MyUnforgettableMoment
蘭斯·阿姆斯特朗/LanceArmstrong
Theoldsayingthatyoushouldliveeachdayasthoughit』syourlastisanicesentiment,butitdoesn』twork.Takeitfromme.Itrieditonceandhere』swhatIlearned:ifIpursuedonlyhappinessandlivedjustforthemoment,I』dbeapoorhusbandandfather,awasterwithaperpetualthree-daygrowthonmychin.Cancertaughtmethat.Suffering,Ilearned,isasessentialtoagoodlife,andasinextricableasbliss.
Beforecancer,whateverIimaginedhappinesstobe,prettysoonIworeitout,tookitforgrantedorthrewitaway.Aportfolio,aPorsche,acoffeemachine—thesethingswereimportanttome.Sowasmyhair.ThenIlostthem;includingthehair.
WhenIwas25,Iwasdiagnosedwithadvancedtesticularcancer,whichhadmetastasizedintomylungsandbrain.Isoldmycar,gaveupmycareerasaworld-classcyclist,lostagooddealofmoneyandbarelyhungontomylife.WhenIwentintoremission,Ithoughthappinesswouldmeanbeingself-indulgent.NotknowinghowmuchtimeIhadleft,Ididnotintenttosuffereveragain.
Ihadsufferedmonthsoffear,chemotherapysostrongitleftburn-likemarksundermyskinandsurgerytoremovetwotumours.Happinesstomethenwaswakingup.IateMexicanfood,playedgolfandlayonthecouch.Thepursuitofhappinessmeantgoingtomyfavoriterestaurantandpursuingaplateofenchiladaswithtomatillosauce.
Twoeventschangedme.Thef?irsthappenedonenightatdinner.MywifeKristinputdownherforkandsaid,「Youneedtodecidesomething:areyougoingtobeagolf-playing,beer-drinking,Mexican-food-eatingslobfortherestofyourlife?Ifyouare,I』llstillloveyou.ButIneedtoknowbecause,ifso,I』llgoandgetajob.I』mnotgoingtositathomewhileyouplaygolf.」
Istaredather.
「I』msobored.」shesaid.
SuddenlyIunderstoodthatIwasbored,too.Boredandpurposeless.Irealizedthatresponsibility,theroutinesandhabitsofshavinginthemorning,havingajobtodoandawifetolove—thesewerethethingsthattiedmydaystogetherandgavethemapatterndeservingofthetermliving.
IndaysIwasbackonmybike.Forthef?irsttimeinmylife,Irodewithrealstrengthandstamina—andpurpose.
ThesecondmomentarrivedalongwiththebirthofmysonLuck.Igrewupwithoutafather;helefthomebeforeIwasabletowalk.SoIvowedthatifIeverhadachild,Iwouldbethereforhimineveryway—thewholeway.
Becauseofcancer,havingachildwouldobviouslynotbeeasy.Ihadmyspermfrozen.Kristinhadtohaveanoperation,andLukewasconceivedbyinvitrofertilisation.Hedevelopednormally,butKristinhadtroubleduringthedelivery.Thebabywasincrisisanddoctorshadtouseforceps.Hewastiny,blue,notcryingandhislungsweren』tf?illingwithair.SotheygrabbedhimfromKristin,whiskedhimintoasideroom,putamaskoverhisfaceandpumpedairintohislungs.
IrememberIwasjuststandingtherehelpless,Kristinlookingatme,asking,「What』swrong?What』swrong?」AndIdidn』thaveanyanswers.Icouldseethedoctorsworking,yetIwashelpless.Ihadbeenthroughlotofscarystuff,butthattoppedeverything.
Medicalpersonneldashedinandoutoftheroom.Iwasthinking,「Cry,pleasecry.」Iwaspetrif?ied.AtthatmomentIwouldhavedoneanythingjusttohearhimscream.