LearningtoAcceptYourself
Wearenotborndoubtingourselves.Welearntodoit.Infact,weareusuallytaughttodoubtourselves.Oftenwearetaughttodosobyotherwisewell-meaningpeoplewhoarepassingalongtheirowndoubtsanduncertaintiesandwhobelievetheyarebeingprotectiveandcaring.Whatthesepeople(usuallyparentsandothersignificantadults)wantarestrong,capableandself-confidentpeople,buttheyofteninadvertentlyteachusthoughtprocessesthatleadtosomethingelse.That』sthebadnews.Thegoodnewsisthatwecanunderstandsomeoftheseprocessesandlearnnewwaysofcopingthatallowustobecomemoreacceptingofourselves.Followingaresixbehaviorsyoumayhavelearnedthatcanbeunlearnedandallowyoutomovetowardgreaterself-acceptance.
Onewaytoreallydislikeyourselfistoalwaysjudgeyourselfinaverymoralisticway.Peopleoftenspendalotoftimeandenergylabelingtheirbehaviorwithmoraladjectivessuchas「bad」,「hateful」and「mean」.Whenyouapplythesekindsofwordstoyourselfyoumakelikingyourselfmuchmoredifficult.Thereisamoreproductivewayoflookingatyourselfthatwillallowyoutobegintolikeyourselfmore.Insteadofevaluatingyourselfinthismoralisticway,begintoaskquestionslike:「DidIdowhatIreallywantedtodointhissituation?」「HowcanIcorrectthemisunderstandingthatoccurred?」Inotherwords,youcanstarttoviewwhatyou』vedoneasproductiveornon-productiveratherthanasgoodorbad.Ifsomethingisnon-productive,youcanfocusonwhatyouhavelearnedfromitandtryanotherapproachthatmightbemoreproductive.
Anotherthingthatmightcauseyounottoacceptyourselfisover-generalizingaboutsomethingyou』vedonethatyoudon』tlike.So,forexample,ifyoufailatestyoumightgeneralizeandsay,「I』mreallyastupidperson.」Whenyoudothisyouaremakingastatementaboutallofyouallofthetimeandnotjustaboutthisonesituationatthistime.Instead,youmightdecidethatyourgradeonthistestinthissubjectatthistimewasindeedpoor,andthengoontodecidewhatyouwanttodoaboutyourpoorgrade,ifanything.Gettingstuckinover-generalizingdiscouragesyoufromtakingstepsthatmightallowyoutodobetteronthenextexamandbuildsanexpectationoffuturefailure.
Havingstandardsthatareimpossiblyhighisathirdwayyoucannotacceptyourself.Itmaynotcomeasasurprisetoyouthatmostofusaremoredemandingofourselvesthanweareofothers.Somehowwecantoleratethefactthatotherpeoplefail,thattheyaren』talwayskind,thatthey』vedonethingstheyaren』tproudof,butwehavedifficultyacceptingthoseveryhumanaspectsofourselves.Theneedtobeperfectisanotherwaytosetyourselfupforfailureandenhancethefeelingthatyouarenotacceptable.Weallmakemistakes.Acceptinglessthanperfectionsimplymeansrecognizingthelimitationsinherentinbeingbornahumanbeing.Learntovaluewhoyouareratherthanwhoyoucouldbecome.ToquoteLinus,asoberandoftenworriedcharacterfromapopularcomicstrip,「Theworld』sheaviestburdenisagreatpotential.」Wouldn』titbeoverwhelmingifwealwayshadtodowhatweimaginewecoulddo?Nobodyhasthetimeandenergytodoallofthat.Wemustmakechoicesaboutwhatwewillpursueanddothemthebestwecanunderthecircumstances(whicharen』talwaysideal,bytheway).
Theideathatyoushouldalwaysbeabletoattainyourgoalsaslongasyouworkhardenoughisanotherfactorinterferingwithself-acceptance.Youwillreachmanyofyourgoalsandshouldgiveyourselfcreditforhavingdoneso.Someofushavetroubleseeingoursuccessesbecausewefocussomuchonourfailuresandmanytimesthefailurescomeafteralotofhardworkandpersonalsuffering.Itseemsthatallthathardworkshouldpayoffinourhavingreachingthegoalwesetouttoachieve.Itishardtoacceptthatagivengoalmaybeoutofourreachandthatmaybebecauseofmanyfactors,includingthefactthatwemaynothavethetalentorskillneededtoreachthegoal.Ofcoursetheremaybeotherfactorsinoperationthatmaketheachievingofthatgoalatthattimeimpossible—healthconcerns,financialproblems,familydifficulties,extraneousstressors,oranynumberofotherfactorsactingaloneortogether.Therealtricktoself-acceptanceistoseethatthegoalisunattainable,atleastfornow,andshiftingyourfocustoaccomplishingwhatyoucanaccomplishunderthecircumstances.Thatcouldincludeevaluatingyouroriginalgoalanddecidingwhetherornottocontinuewithit.Italsomeansgivingyourselfcreditforwhatyouhaveaccomplishedandwhatyouhavelearnedfromyourexperiences.