SheDidn'tGiveuponMe
金伯利·安妮·布蘭德/KimberlyAnneBrand
Ilayonthefloor,furiouslykickingmylegsandscreaminguntilmythroatfeltraw—allbecausemyfostermotherhadaskedmetoputmytoysaway.
「Ihateyou,」Ishrieked.Iwassixyearsoldanddidn』tunderstandwhyIfeltsoangryallthetime.
I』dbeenlivinginfostercaresinceIwastwo.Myrealmomcouldn』tgivemyfivesistersandmethecareweneeded.Sincewedidn』thaveadadoranyoneelsetocareforus,wewereputindifferentfosterhomes.Ifeltlonelyandconfused.Ididn』tknowhowtotellpeoplethatIhurtinside.ThrowingatantrumwastheonlywayIknewtoexpressmyfeelings.
BecauseIactedup,eventuallymycurrentfostermomsentmebacktotheadoptionagency,justasthemombeforehad.IthoughtIwasthemostunlovablegirlintheworld.
ThenImetKateMcCann.Iwassevenbythattimeandlivingwithmythirdfosterfamilywhenshecametovisit.WhenmyfostermothertoldmethatKatewassingleandwantedtoadoptachild,Ididn』tthinkshe』dchooseme.Icouldn』timagineanyonewouldwantmetolivewiththemforever.
Thatday,Katetookmetoapumpkinfarm.Wehadfun,butIdidn』tthinkI』dseeheragain.
Afewdayslater,asocialworkercametothehousetosaythatKatewantedtoadoptme.ThensheaskedmeifI』dmindlivingwithoneparentinsteadoftwo.
「AllIwantissomeonewholovesme,」Isaid.
Katevisitedthenextday.Sheexplainedthatitwouldtakeayearfortheadoptiontobefinalized,butIcouldmoveinwithhersoon.Iwasexcitedbutafraid,too.KateandIweretotalstrangers.Iwonderedifshe』dchangehermindonceshegottoknowme.
Katesensedmyfear.「Iknowyou』vebeenhurt,」shesaid,huggingme.「Iknowyou』rescared.ButIpromiseI』llneversendyouaway.We』reafamilynow.」
Tomysurprise,hereyeswerefilledwithtears.SuddenlyIrealizedthatshewasaslonelyasIwas!
「OkayMom,」Isaid.
ThefollowingweekImetmynewgrandparents,aunt,uncleandcousins.Itfeltfunny—butgood—tobewithstrangerswhohuggedmeasthoughtheyalreadylovedme.
WhenImovedinwithMom,Ihadmyownroomforthefirsttime.Ithadwallpaperandamatchingbedspread,anantiquedresserandabigcloset.IhadonlyafewclothesI』dbroughtwithmeinabrownpaperbag.「Don』tworry,」Momsaid.「I』llbuyyoulotsofprettynewthings.」
Iwenttosleepthatnightfeelingsafe.IprayedIwouldn』thavetoleave.
Momdidlotsofnicethingsforme.Shetookmetochurch.Sheletmehavepetsandgavemehorsebackridingandpianolessons.Everyday,shetoldmeshelovedme.Butlovewasn』tenoughtohealthehurtinsideme.Ikeptwaitingforhertochangehermind.Ithought,「IfIactbadenough,she』llleavemeliketheothers.」
SoItriedtohurtherbeforeshecouldhurtme.IpickedfightsoverlittlethingsandthrewtantrumswhenIdidn』tgetmyway.Islammeddoors.IfMomtriedtostopme,I』dhither.Butsheneverlostpatience.She』dhugmeandsayshelovedmeanyway.WhenIgotmad,shemademejumponatrampoline.
BecauseIwasfailinginschoolwhenIcametolivewithher,Momwasverystrictaboutmyhomework.OnedaywhenIwaswatchingTV,shecameinandturneditoff.「Youcanwatchitafteryoufinishyourhomework,」shesaid.Iblewup.Ipickedupmybooksandthrewthemacrosstheroom.「IhateyouandIdon』twanttolivehereanymore!」Iscreamed.
Iwaitedforhertotellmetostartpacking.Whenshedidn』t.Iasked,「Aren』tyougoingtosendmeback?」
「Idon』tlikethewayyou』rebehaving,」shesaid,「butI』llneversendyouback.We』reafamily,andfamiliesdon』tgiveuponeachother.」