Mother'sHands
珍妮·艾默斯/JanieEmaus
Asteenagersweliveinadifferentworldfromourmothers,aworldwheremothershangoutontheperipheries.Ofcourse,almosteveryonehasone;theyareunavoidableannoyances.
Today,asIapproachthatedge,asIamtheonewiththeteenagedaughter,Ilookatmymotherthroughdifferenteyes.AndIsometimeswishIcouldhalttheyearsandstopherfromgrowingolder,stopherfromrepeatingherself.
Wesitatmykitchentableasthesundesignsamosaicoflightonthethefloor.Mydaughter,Anna,sitsnexttomymother.
「WhenisRickgoingtobehere?」mymotherasks,referringtomyhusband.
「Idon』tknow,Mom,」Ianswerpatiently.「He』llbeherefordinner.」
Isighandgetupfromthetable.Thisisatleastthetenthtimeshehasaskedthatquestioninasmanyminutes.
WhilemymotheranddaughterplayMonopoly,Ibusymyselfmakingasalad.
「Don』tputinanyonions,」Momsays.「YouknowhowDaddyhatesonions.」
「Yes,Mom,」Ianswer,shovingthescallionsbackintothefridge.
Iscruboffacarrotandchopitintobite-sizepieces.Ithrusttheknifeintothecarrotwithmoreforcethanisnecessary.Aslicefallsontothefloor.
「Don』tputanyonionsinthesalad,」sheremindsme.「YouknowhowDaddyhatesonions.」
ThistimeIcan』tanswer.
Ijustkeepcutting,chopping,tearing.IfonlyIcouldchopawaytheyears,shredtheagefrommymother』sfaceandhands.
Mymotherhadbeenbeautiful.Shestillis.Infact,mymotherisstilleverythingshehasbeen,justabitforgetful.Itrytoconvincemyselfthat』sallthatitis,andifshereallyconcentrated,shewouldnotrepeatherselfsomuch.Thereisn』tanythingwrongwithher.
Icutofftheendofthecucumberandrubitagainstthestalktotakeawaythebitterness.Thewhitejuiceoozesoutthesides.Wouldn』titbeniceifallunpleasantsituationscouldbesoeasilyremedied?Cutandrub.ThisisatrickIhavelearnedfrommymother,alongwithatrillionotherthings:cooking,sewing,dating,laughing,thinking.Ilearnedhowtogrowup.Ilearnedtheartofsortingthroughemotions.
AndIlearnedthatwhenmymotherwasaround,Ineverhadtobeafraid.
SowhyamIafraidnow?
Istudymymother』shands.Hernailsarenolongerabrightred,butpaintedalightpink,almostnocoloratall.AndasIstareatthem,IrealizeIamnolongerlookingatthosehandsbutfeelingthemastheyshapedmyyouth.Handsthatpackedathousandlunchesandwipedamilliontearsoffmycheeks.Handsthattuckedconfidenceintoeachdayofmylife.
Iturnawayandthrowthecucumberintothebowl.Andthenithitsme.Myhandshavegrownintothoseofmymother』s.
Handsthathavecookeduneatenmeals,heldmyowndaughter』sfrightenedfingersonthefirstdayofschoolanddriedtearsoffherface.
Igrowlighthearted.Icanfeelmymotherkissmegoodnight,checktoseeifthewindowislocked,thenblowanotherkissfromthedoorway.ThenIammymother,blowingthatsamekisstoAnnaoffthatsamepalm.
Outsideeverythingisstill.Shadowsfallamongthetrees,shapedlikepiecesofapuzzle.