BeyondFear
佚名/Anonymous
WhenIwastoldlastyearthatmy2-year-oldsonhadanillnessthatthreatenedhislife,Itriedtostrikeabargainwithfate—Iwoulddoanything,Iwouldtrademyoldlifeaway,ifonlyhewouldgetbetter.Welearnedthatoursonwouldneedmonthsoftreatment,maybeevenayear,beforewewouldknowwhetherhewouldrecover.MyhusbandandIsettledintoadeadeningroutine;onenightatthehospital,thenextnightathometobewithourdaughter,thenrightbacktothehospital.Thedaysandnightswereablurofmedicalreports.Fearanddespairengulfedme.
Iwatchedtheothermothersatthehospital.Isawthemotherofthechildwithcysticfibrosisfaithfullyadministerphysicaltherapy,hearingthehollowthump-thump-thumpasshepoundedthechild』schest.Hereffortsincluedamixofdedication,hopeandpain.Iachedforthemotherwhoseinfanttwinsbothhadcancerandwhomanagedsomehowtowritethank-younotestothenursesafterthebabies』manyhospitalizations.
IworriedthatIcouldnotliveuptothesemothers』heroism.Theydidwhatgoodmothersaresupposedtodo,whatmothersofsickchildrenhavetodo,andwhatIshoulddo,too.ButIdidnotfeelselfless,thewaythoseothermothersseemedtofeel.Iwasashamedtoadmitit,butmingledwithmyterrorandgrief.Afterthefirstthreeweeks,werealizedwewereonlyatthestartofamarathon.ThefriendswhoknewmebeststartedtellingmeIshouldgobacktowork.Itwouldbegoodforyoutogetabreak,theysaid.Iresisted.Goodmothers,Ithought,donotabandontheirsickchildrenforwork.Yetwhenmyson』sdoctortoldmehethoughtitwouldbefine,thathecoulde-mailhisassessments,Itoremyselfaway.
Icouldnotworkanormalschedule—farfromit.Butasthemonthsofmyson』streatmentdraggedon,hewasabletostayoutofthehospitalforlongerperiods.MyhusbandandIstilltookturnsattheoutpatientclinicoratthehospital.Iwasluckythatmyfamilyandmybabysittercouldalsorelievemesothatmysonwasneveralone.
TherewerestilllongstretcheswhenIneededtodropeverythingtobewithhim.Buttomysurprise,IfoundthatgoingtoworkwhenIcouldeasemysenseofhelplessness.Icouldbedistracted:therewerephonecallsanddeadlinesandarhythmtobesweptinto.Icouldbeincontrolofsomething.
IfeltguiltyatfirstaboutthesolaceItookfromwork.Ioftenwonderedwhattheothermothersthoughtofme—takingmyworkclothestothehospital,showeringintheparents』stallafteralongnightinwhichwe』dheardthecriesofallourchildren.
Eventually,Irealizedthatgettingawaywasgoodnotonlyformebutformysonanddaughter.Whenmysonfirstbecamesick,thedoctorstoldmeIhadtobestrongforhim.Icouldnotshowfear.SomehowIalsohadtoconveyconfidencetomydaughter,tohelpherendurewhathadbefallenus.
AlthoughIfearedthatworkingmightbeselfish,Icouldseethatitactuallyseemedreassuringtomychildren,asignthatwecould,formomentsatleast,returntoourroutines.Workingwasapledgethatlifecouldgoon.Itwasastatementofhope.