'And wilt thou leave me thus?--say nay--say nay!'
The scene shifts to Knight's chambers in Bede's Inn. It was late in the
evening of the day following his departure from Endelstow. A drizzling rain
descended upon London, forming a humid and dreary halo over every well-lighted
street. The rain had not yet been prevalent long enough to give to rapid
vehicles that clear and distinct rattle which follows the thorough washing of
the stones by a drenching rain, but was just sufficient to make footway and
roadway slippery, adhesive, and clogging to both feet and wheels.
Knight was standing by the fire, looking into its expiring embers, previously
to emerging from his door for a dreary journey home to Richmond. His hat was on,
and the gas turned off. The blind of the window overlooking the alley was not
drawn down; and with the light from beneath, which shone over the ceiling of the
room, came, in place of the usual babble, only the reduced clatter and quick
speech which were the result of necessity rather than choice.
Whilst he thus stood, waiting for the expiration of the few minutes that were
wanting to the time for his catching the train, a light tapping upon the door
mingled with the other sounds that reached his ears. It was so faint at first
that the outer noises were almost sufficient to drown it. Finding it repeated
Knight crossed the lobby, crowded with books and rubbish, and opened the door.
A woman, closely muffled up, but visibly of fragile build, was standing on
the landing under the gaslight. She sprang forward, flung her arms round
Knight's neck, and uttered a low cry--
'O Harry, Harry, you are killing me! I could not help coming. Don't send me
away--don't! Forgive your Elfride for coming--I love you so!'
Knight's agitation and astonishment mastered him for a few moments.
'Elfride!' he cried, 'what does this mean? What have you done?'
'Do not hurt me and punish me--Oh, do not! I couldn't help coming; it was
killing me. Last night, when you did not come back, I could not bear it--I could
not! Only let me be with you, and see your face, Harry; I don't ask for more.'
Her eyelids were hot, heavy, and thick with excessive weeping, and the
delicate rose-red of her cheeks was disfigured and inflamed by the constant
chafing of the handkerchief in wiping her many tears.
'Who is with you? Have you come alone?' he hurriedly inquired.
'Yes. When you did not come last night, I sat up hoping you would come--and
the night was all agony--and I waited on and on, and you did not come! Then when
it was morning, and your letter said you were gone, I could not endure it; and I
ran away from them to St. Launce's, and came by the train. And I have been all
day travelling to you, and you won't make me go away again, will you, Harry,
because I shall always love you till I die?'
'Yet it is wrong for you to stay. O Elfride! what have you committed yourself
to? It is ruin to your good name to run to me like this! Has not your first
experience been sufficient to keep you from these things?'
'My name! Harry, I shall soon die, and what good will my name be to me then?
Oh, could I but be the man and you the woman, I would not leave you for such a
little fault as mine! Do not think it was so vile a thing in me to run away with
him. Ah, how I wish you could have run away with twenty women before you knew
me, that I might show you I would think it no fault, but be glad to get you
after them all, so that I had you! If you only knew me through and through, how
true I am, Harry. Cannot I be yours? Say you love me just the same, and don't
let me be separated from you again, will you? I cannot bear it--all the long
hours and days and nights going on, and you not there, but away because you hate
me!'
'Not hate you, Elfride,' he said gently, and supported her with his arm. 'But
you cannot stay here now--just at present, I mean.'
'I suppose I must not--I wish I might. I am afraid that if--you lose sight of
me--something dark will happen, and we shall not meet again. Harry, if I am not
good enough to be your wife, I wish I could be your servant and live with you,
and not be sent away never to see you again. I don't mind what it is except
that!'
'No, I cannot send you away: I cannot. God knows what dark future may arise
out of this evening's work; but I cannot send you away! You must sit down, and I
will endeavour to collect my thoughts and see what had better be done.
At that moment a loud knocking at the house door was heard by both,
accompanied by a hurried ringing of the bell that echoed from attic to basement.
The door was quickly opened, and after a few hasty words of converse in the
hall, heavy footsteps ascended the stairs.
The face of Mr. Swancourt, flushed, grieved, and stern, appeared round the
landing of the staircase. He came higher up, and stood beside them. Glancing
over and past Knight with silent indignation, he turned to the trembling girl.
'O Elfride! and have I found you at last? Are these your tricks, madam? When
will you get rid of your idiocies, and conduct yourself like a decent woman? Is
my family name and house to be disgraced by acts that would be a scandal to a
washerwoman's daughter? Come along, madam; come!'
'She is so weary!' said Knight, in a voice of intensest anguish. 'Mr.
Swancourt, don't be harsh with her--let me beg of you to be tender with her, and
love her!'
'To you, sir,' said Mr. Swancourt, turning to him as if by the sheer pressure
of circumstances, 'I have little to say. I can only remark, that the sooner I
can retire from your presence the better I shall be pleased. Why you could not
conduct your courtship of my daughter like an honest man, I do not know. Why
she--a foolish inexperienced girl--should have been tempted to this piece of
folly, I do not know. Even if she had not known better than to leave her home,
you might have, I should think.'
'It is not his fault: he did not tempt me, papa! I came.'
'If you wished the marriage broken off, why didn't you say so plainly? If you
never intended to marry, why could you not leave her alone? Upon my soul, it
grates me to the heart to be obliged to think so ill of a man I thought my
friend!'
Knight, soul-sick and weary of his life, did not arouse himself to utter a
word in reply. How should he defend himself when his defence was the accusation
of Elfride? On that account he felt a miserable satisfaction in letting her
father go on thinking and speaking wrongfully. It was a faint ray of pleasure
straying into the great gloominess of his brain to think that the vicar might
never know but that he, as her lover, tempted her away, which seemed to be the
form Mr. Swancourt's misapprehension had taken.
'Now, are you coming?' said Mr. Swancourt to her again. He took her
unresisting hand, drew it within his arm, and led her down the stairs. Knight's
eyes followed her, the last moment begetting in him a frantic hope that she
would turn her head. She passed on, and never looked back.
He heard the door open--close again. The wheels of a cab grazed the
kerbstone, a murmured direction followed. The door was slammed together, the
wheels moved, and they rolled away.
From that hour of her reappearance a dreadful conflict raged within the
breast of Henry Knight. His instinct, emotion, affectiveness--or whatever it may
be called--urged him to stand forward, seize upon Elfride, and be her cherisher
and protector through life. Then came the devastating thought that Elfride's
childlike, unreasoning, and indiscreet act in flying to him only proved that the
proprieties must be a dead letter with her; that the unreserve, which was really
artlessness without ballast, meant indifference to decorum; and what so likely
as that such a woman had been deceived in the past? He said to himself, in a
mood of the bitterest cynicism: 'The suspicious discreet woman who imagines dark
and evil things of all her fellow-creatures is far too shrewd to be deluded by
man: trusting beings like Elfride are the women who fall.'
Hours and days went by, and Knight remained inactive. Lengthening time, which
made fainter the heart-awakening power of her presence, strengthened the mental
ability to reason her down. Elfride loved him, he knew, and he could not leave
off loving her but marry her he would not. If she could but be again his own
Elfride--the woman she had seemed to be--but that woman was dead and buried, and
he knew her no more! And how could he marry this Elfride, one who, if he had
originally seen her as she was, would have been barely an interesting pitiable
acquaintance in his eyes-- no more?
It cankered his heart to think he was confronted by the closest instance of a
worse state of things than any he had assumed in the pleasant social philosophy
and satire of his essays.
The moral rightness of this man's life was worthy of all praise; but in spite
of some intellectual acumen, Knight had in him a modicum of that wrongheadedness
which is mostly found in scrupulously honest people. With him, truth seemed too
clean and pure an abstraction to be so hopelessly churned in with error as
practical persons find it. Having now seen himself mistaken in supposing Elfride
to be peerless, nothing on earth could make him believe she was not so very bad
after all.
He lingered in town a fortnight, doing little else than vibrate between
passion and opinions. One idea remained intact--that it was better Elfride and
himself should not meet.
When he surveyed the volumes on his shelves--few of which had been opened
since Elfride first took possession of his heart--their untouched and orderly
arrangement reproached him as an apostate from the old faith of his youth and
early manhood. He had deserted those never-failing friends, so they seemed to
say, for an unstable delight in a ductile woman, which had ended all in
bitterness. The spirit of self-denial, verging on asceticism, which had ever
animated Knight in old times, announced itself as having departed with the birth
of love, with it having gone the self-respect which had compensated for the lack
of self- gratification. Poor little Elfride, instead of holding, as formerly, a
place in his religion, began to assume the hue of a temptation. Perhaps it was
human and correctly natural that Knight never once thought whether he did not
owe her a little sacrifice for her unchary devotion in saving his life.
With a consciousness of having thus, like Antony, kissed away kingdoms and
provinces, he next considered how he had revealed his higher secrets and
intentions to her, an unreserve he would never have allowed himself with any man
living. How was it that he had not been able to refrain from telling her of
adumbrations heretofore locked in the closest strongholds of his mind?
Knight's was a robust intellect, which could escape outside the atmosphere of
heart, and perceive that his own love, as well as other people's, could be
reduced by change of scene and circumstances. At the same time the perception
was a superimposed sorrow:
'O last regret, regret can die!'
But being convinced that the death of this regret was the best thing for him,
he did not long shrink from attempting it. He closed his chambers, suspended his
connection with editors, and left London for the Continent. Here we will leave
him to wander without purpose, beyond the nominal one of encouraging
obliviousness of Elfride.
|