WHEN the king traveled for change of air, or made a progress, or visited a
distant noble whom he wished to bankrupt with the cost of his keep, part of the
administration moved with him. It was a fashion of the time. The Commission
charged with the examination of candidates for posts in the army came with the
king to the Valley, whereas they could have transacted their business just as
well at home. And although this expedition was strictly a holiday excursion for
the king, he kept some of his business functions going just the same. He touched
for the evil, as usual; he held court in the gate at sunrise and tried cases,
for he was himself Chief Justice of the King's Bench.
He shone very well in this latter office. He was a wise and humane judge, and
he clearly did his honest best and fairest, -- according to his lights. That is
a large reservation. His lights -- I mean his rearing -- often colored his
decisions. Whenever there was a dispute between a noble or gentleman and a
person of lower degree, the king's leanings and sympathies were for the former
class always, whether he suspected it or not. It was impossible that this should
be otherwise. The blunting effects of slavery upon the slaveholder's moral
perceptions are known and conceded, the world over; and a privileged class, an
aristocracy, is but a band of slaveholders under another name. This has a harsh
sound, and yet should not be offensive to any -- even to the noble himself --
unless the fact itself be an offense: for the statement simply formulates a
fact. The repulsive feature of slavery is the THING, not its name. One needs but
to hear an aristocrat speak of the classes that are below him to recognize --
and in but indifferently modified measure -- the very air and tone of the actual
slaveholder; and behind these are the slaveholder's spirit, the slaveholder's
blunted feeling. They are the result of the same cause in both cases: the
possessor's old and inbred custom of regarding himself as a superior being. The
king's judgments wrought frequent injustices, but it was merely the fault of his
training, his natural and unalterable sympathies. He was as unfitted for a
judgeship as would be the average mother for the position of milk-distributor to
starving children in famine-time; her own children would fare a shade better
than the rest.
One very curious case came before the king. A young girl, an orphan, who had
a considerable estate, married a fine young fellow who had nothing. The girl's
property was within a seigniory held by the Church. The bishop of the diocese,
an arrogant scion of the great nobility, claimed the girl's estate on the ground
that she had married privately, and thus had cheated the Church out of one of
its rights as lord of the seigniory -- the one heretofore referred to as le
droit du seigneur. The penalty of refusal or avoidance was confiscation. The
girl's defense was, that the lordship of the seigniory was vested in the bishop,
and the particular right here involved was not transferable, but must be
exercised by the lord himself or stand vacated; and that an older law, of the
Church itself, strictly barred the bishop from exercising it. It was a very odd
case, indeed.
It reminded me of something I had read in my youth about the ingenious way in
which the aldermen of London raised the money that built the Mansion House. A
person who had not taken the Sacrament according to the Anglican rite could not
stand as a candidate for sheriff of London. Thus Dissenters were ineligible;
they could not run if asked, they could not serve if elected. The aldermen, who
without any question were Yankees in disguise, hit upon this neat device: they
passed a by-law imposing a fine of L400 upon any one who should refuse to be a
candidate for sheriff, and a fine of L600 upon any person who, after being
elected sheriff, refused to serve. Then they went to work and elected a lot of
Dissenters, one after another, and kept it up until they had collected L15,000
in fines; and there stands the stately Mansion House to this day, to keep the
blushing citizen in mind of a long past and lamented day when a band of Yankees
slipped into London and played games of the sort that has given their race a
unique and shady reputation among all truly good and holy peoples that be in the
earth.
The girl's case seemed strong to me; the bishop's case was just as strong. I
did not see how the king was going to get out of this hole. But he got out. I
append his decision:
"Truly I find small difficulty here, the matter being even a child's affair
for simpleness. An the young bride had conveyed notice, as in duty bound, to her
feudal lord and proper master and protector the bishop, she had suffered no
loss, for the said bishop could have got a dispensation making him, for
temporary conveniency, eligible to the exercise of his said right, and thus
would she have kept all she had. Whereas, failing in her first duty, she hath by
that failure failed in all; for whoso, clinging to a rope, severeth it above his
hands, must fall; it being no defense to claim that the rest of the rope is
sound, neither any deliverance from his peril, as he shall find. Pardy, the
woman's case is rotten at the source. It is the decree of the court that she
forfeit to the said lord bishop all her goods, even to the last farthing that
she doth possess, and be thereto mulcted in the costs. Next!"
Here was a tragic end to a beautiful honeymoon not yet three months old. Poor
young creatures! They had lived these three months lapped to the lips in worldly
comforts. These clothes and trinkets they were wearing were as fine and dainty
as the shrewdest stretch of the sumptuary laws allowed to people of their
degree; and in these pretty clothes, she crying on his shoulder, and he trying
to comfort her with hopeful words set to the music of despair, they went from
the judgment seat out into the world homeless, bedless, breadless; why, the very
beggars by the roadsides were not so poor as they.
Well, the king was out of the hole; and on terms satisfactory to the Church
and the rest of the aristocracy, no doubt. Men write many fine and plausible
arguments in support of monarchy, but the fact remains that where every man in a
State has a vote, brutal laws are impossible. Arthur's people were of course
poor material for a republic, because they had been debased so long by monarchy;
and yet even they would have been intelligent enough to make short work of that
law which the king had just been administering if it had been submitted to their
full and free vote. There is a phrase which has grown so common in the world's
mouth that it has come to seem to have sense and meaning -- the sense and
meaning implied when it is used; that is the phrase which refers to this or that
or the other nation as possibly being "capable of selfgovernment"; and the
implied sense of it is, that there has been a nation somewhere, some time or
other which WASN'T capable of it -- wasn't as able to govern itself as some
self-appointed specialists were or would be to govern it. The master minds of
all nations, in all ages, have sprung in affluent multitude from the mass of the
nation, and from the mass of the nation only -- not from its privileged classes;
and so, no matter what the nation's intellectual grade was; whether high or low,
the bulk of its ability was in the long ranks of its nameless and its poor, and
so it never saw the day that it had not the material in abundance whereby to
govern itself. Which is to assert an always self-proven fact: that even the best
governed and most free and most enlightened monarchy is still behind the best
condition attainable by its people; and that the same is true of kindred
governments of lower grades, all the way down to the lowest.
King Arthur had hurried up the army business altogether beyond my
calculations. I had not supposed he would move in the matter while I was away;
and so I had not mapped out a scheme for determining the merits of officers; I
had only remarked that it would be wise to submit every candidate to a sharp and
searching examination; and privately I meant to put together a list of military
qualifications that nobody could answer to but my West Pointers. That ought to
have been attended to before I left; for the king was so taken with the idea of
a standing army that he couldn't wait but must get about it at once, and get up
as good a scheme of examination as he could invent out of his own head.
I was impatient to see what this was; and to show, too, how much more
admirable was the one which I should display to the Examining Board. I intimated
this, gently, to the king, and it fired his curiosity When the Board was
assembled, I followed him in; and behind us came the candidates. One of these
candidates was a bright young West Pointer of mine, and with him were a couple
of my West Point professors.
When I saw the Board, I did not know whether to cry or to laugh. The head of
it was the officer known to later centuries as Norroy King-at-Arms! The two
other members were chiefs of bureaus in his department; and all three were
priests, of course; all officials who had to know how to read and write were
priests.
My candidate was called first, out of courtesy to me, and the head of the
Board opened on him with official solemnity:
"Name?"
"Mal-ease."
"Son of?"
"Webster."
"Webster -- Webster. H'm -- I -- my memory faileth to recall the name.
Condition?"
"Weaver."
"Weaver! -- God keep us!"
The king was staggered, from his summit to his foundations; one clerk
fainted, and the others came near it. The chairman pulled himself together, and
said indignantly:
"It is sufficient. Get you hence."
But I appealed to the king. I begged that my candidate might be examined. The
king was willing, but the Board, who were all well-born folk, implored the king
to spare them the indignity of examining the weaver's son. I knew they didn't
know enough to examine him anyway, so I joined my prayers to theirs and the king
turned the duty over to my professors. I had had a blackboard prepared, and it
was put up now, and the circus began. It was beautiful to hear the lad lay out
the science of war, and wallow in details of battle and siege, of supply,
transportation, mining and countermining, grand tactics, big strategy and little
strategy, signal service, infantry, cavalry, artillery, and all about siege
guns, field guns, gatling guns, rifled guns, smooth bores, musket practice,
revolver practice -- and not a solitary word of it all could these catfish make
head or tail of, you understand -- and it was handsome to see him chalk off
mathematical nightmares on the blackboard that would stump the angels
themselves, and do it like nothing, too -- all about eclipses, and comets, and
solstices, and constellations, and mean time, and sidereal time, and dinner
time, and bedtime, and every other imaginable thing above the clouds or under
them that you could harry or bullyrag an enemy with and make him wish he hadn't
come -- and when the boy made his military salute and stood aside at last, I was
proud enough to hug him, and all those other people were so dazed they looked
partly petrified, partly drunk, and wholly caught out and snowed under. I judged
that the cake was ours, and by a large majority.
Education is a great thing. This was the same youth who had come to West
Point so ignorant that when I asked him, "If a general officer should have a
horse shot under him on the field of battle, what ought he to do?" answered up
naively and said:
"Get up and brush himself."
One of the young nobles was called up now. I thought I would question him a
little myself. I said:
"Can your lordship read?"
His face flushed indignantly, and he fired this at me:
"Takest me for a clerk? I trow I am not of a blood that --"
"Answer the question!"
He crowded his wrath down and made out to answer "No."
"Can you write?"
He wanted to resent this, too, but I said:
"You will confine yourself to the questions, and make no comments. You are
not here to air your blood or your graces, and nothing of the sort will be
permitted. Can you write?"
"No."
"Do you know the multiplication table?"
"I wit not what ye refer to."
"How much is 9 times 6?"
"It is a mystery that is hidden from me by reason that the emergency
requiring the fathoming of it hath not in my life-days occurred, and so, not
having no need to know this thing, I abide barren of the knowledge."
"If A trade a barrel of onions to B, worth 2 pence the bushel, in exchange
for a sheep worth 4 pence and a dog worth a penny, and C kill the dog before
delivery, because bitten by the same, who mistook him for D, what sum is still
due to A from B, and which party pays for the dog, C or D, and who gets the
money? If A, is the penny sufficient, or may he claim consequential damages in
the form of additional money to represent the possible profit which might have
inured from the dog, and classifiable as earned increment, that is to say,
usufruct?"
"Verily, in the all-wise and unknowable providence of God, who moveth in
mysterious ways his wonders to perform, have I never heard the fellow to this
question for confusion of the mind and congestion of the ducts of thought.
Wherefore I beseech you let the dog and the onions and these people of the
strange and godless names work out their several salvations from their piteous
and wonderful difficulties without help of mine, for indeed their trouble is
sufficient as it is, whereas an I tried to help I should but damage their cause
the more and yet mayhap not live myself to see the desolation wrought."
"What do you know of the laws of attraction and gravitation?"
"If there be such, mayhap his grace the king did promulgate them whilst that
I lay sick about the beginning of the year and thereby failed to hear his
proclamation."
"What do you know of the science of optics?"
"I know of governors of places, and seneschals of castles, and sheriffs of
counties, and many like small offices and titles of honor, but him you call the
Science of Optics I have not heard of before; peradventure it is a new dignity."
"Yes, in this country."
Try to conceive of this mollusk gravely applying for an official position, of
any kind under the sun! Why, he had all the earmarks of a typewriter copyist, if
you leave out the disposition to contribute uninvited emendations of your
grammar and punctuation. It was unaccountable that he didn't attempt a little
help of that sort out of his majestic supply of incapacity for the job. But that
didn't prove that he hadn't material in him for the disposition, it only proved
that he wasn't a typewriter copyist yet. After nagging him a little more, I let
the professors loose on him and they turned him inside out, on the line of
scientific war, and found him empty, of course. He knew somewhat about the
warfare of the time -- bushwhacking around for ogres, and bull-fights in the
tournament ring, and such things -- but otherwise he was empty and useless. Then
we took the other young noble in hand, and he was the first one's twin, for
ignorance and incapacity. I delivered them into the hands of the chairman of the
Board with the comfortable consciousness that their cake was dough. They were
examined in the previous order of precedence.
"Name, so please you?"
"Pertipole, son of Sir Pertipole, Baron of Barley Mash."
"Grandfather?"
"Also Sir Pertipole, Baron of Barley Mash."
"Great-grandfather?"
"The same name and title."
"Great-great-grandfather?"
"We had none, worshipful sir, the line failing before it had reached so far
back."
"It mattereth not. It is a good four generations, and fulfilleth the
requirements of the rule."
"Fulfills what rule?" I asked.
"The rule requiring four generations of nobility or else the candidate is not
eligible."
"A man not eligible for a lieutenancy in the army unless he can prove four
generations of noble descent?"
"Even so; neither lieutenant nor any other officer may be commissioned
without that qualification."
"Oh, come, this is an astonishing thing. What good is such a qualification as
that?"
"What good? It is a hardy question, fair sir and Boss, since it doth go far
to impugn the wisdom of even our holy Mother Church herself."
"As how?"
"For that she hath established the self-same rule regarding saints. By her
law none may be canonized until he hath lain dead four generations."
"I see, I see -- it is the same thing. It is wonderful. In the one case a man
lies dead-alive four generations -- mummified in ignorance and sloth -- and that
qualifies him to command live people, and take their weal and woe into his
impotent hands; and in the other case, a man lies bedded with death and worms
four generations, and that qualifies him for office in the celestial camp. Does
the king's grace approve of this strange law?"
The king said:
"Why, truly I see naught about it that is strange. All places of honor and of
profit do belong, by natural right, to them that be of noble blood, and so these
dignities in the army are their property and would be so without this or any
rule. The rule is but to mark a limit. Its purpose is to keep out too recent
blood, which would bring into contempt these offices, and men of lofty lineage
would turn their backs and scorn to take them. I were to blame an I permitted
this calamity. YOU can permit it an you are minded so to do, for you have the
delegated authority, but that the king should do it were a most strange madness
and not comprehensible to any."
"I yield. Proceed, sir Chief of the Herald's College. "
The chairman resumed as follows:
"By what illustrious achievement for the honor of the Throne and State did
the founder of your great line lift himself to the sacred dignity of the British
nobility?"
"He built a brewery."
"Sire, the Board finds this candidate perfect in all the requirements and
qualifications for military command, and doth hold his case open for decision
after due examination of his competitor."
The competitor came forward and proved exactly four generations of nobility
himself. So there was a tie in military qualifications that far.
He stood aside a moment, and Sir Pertipole was questioned further:
"Of what condition was the wife of the founder of your line?"
"She came of the highest landed gentry, yet she was not noble; she was
gracious and pure and charitable, of a blameless life and character, insomuch
that in these regards was she peer of the best lady in the land."
"That will do. Stand down." He called up the competing lordling again, and
asked: "What was the rank and condition of the great-grandmother who conferred
British nobility upon your great house?"
"She was a king's leman and did climb to that splendid eminence by her own
unholpen merit from the sewer where she was born."
"Ah, this, indeed, is true nobility, this is the right and perfect
intermixture. The lieutenancy is yours, fair lord. Hold it not in contempt; it
is the humble step which will lead to grandeurs more worthy of the splendor of
an origin like to thine."
I was down in the bottomless pit of humiliation. I had promised myself an
easy and zenith-scouring triumph, and this was the outcome!
I was almost ashamed to look my poor disappointed cadet in the face. I told
him to go home and be patient, this wasn't the end.
I had a private audience with the king, and made a proposition. I said it was
quite right to officer that regiment with nobilities, and he couldn't have done
a wiser thing. It would also be a good idea to add five hundred officers to it;
in fact, add as many officers as there were nobles and relatives of nobles in
the country, even if there should finally be five times as many officers as
privates in it; and thus make it the crack regiment, the envied regiment, the
King's Own regiment, and entitled to fight on its own hook and in its own way,
and go whither it would and come when it pleased, in time of war, and be utterly
swell and independent. This would make that regiment the heart's desire of all
the nobility, and they would all be satisfied and happy. Then we would make up
the rest of the standing army out of commonplace materials, and officer it with
nobodies, as was proper -- nobodies selected on a basis of mere efficiency --
and we would make this regiment toe the line, allow it no aristocratic freedom
from restraint, and force it to do all the work and persistent hammering, to the
end that whenever the King's Own was tired and wanted to go off for a change and
rummage around amongst ogres and have a good time, it could go without
uneasiness, knowing that matters were in safe hands behind it, and business
going to be continued at the old stand, same as usual. The king was charmed with
the idea.
When I noticed that, it gave me a valuable notion. I thought I saw my way out
of an old and stubborn difficulty at last. You see, the royalties of the
Pendragon stock were a long-lived race and very fruitful. Whenever a child was
born to any of these -- and it was pretty often -- there was wild joy in the
nation's mouth, and piteous sorrow in the nation's heart. The joy was
questionable, but the grief was honest. Because the event meant another call for
a Royal Grant. Long was the list of these royalties, and they were a heavy and
steadily increasing burden upon the treasury and a menace to the crown. Yet
Arthur could not believe this latter fact, and he would not listen to any of my
various projects for substituting something in the place of the royal grants. If
I could have persuaded him to now and then provide a support for one of these
outlying scions from his own pocket, I could have made a grand to-do over it,
and it would have had a good effect with the nation; but no, he wouldn't hear of
such a thing. He had something like a religious passion for royal grant; he
seemed to look upon it as a sort of sacred swag, and one could not irritate him
in any way so quickly and so surely as by an attack upon that venerable
institution. If I ventured to cautiously hint that there was not another
respectable family in England that would humble itself to hold out the hat --
however, that is as far as I ever got; he always cut me short there, and
peremptorily, too.
But I believed I saw my chance at last. I would form this crack regiment out
of officers alone -- not a single private. Half of it should consist of nobles,
who should fill all the places up to Major-General, and serve gratis and pay
their own expenses; and they would be glad to do this when they should learn
that the rest of the regiment would consist exclusively of princes of the blood.
These princes of the blood should range in rank from Lieutenant-General up to
Field Marshal, and be gorgeously salaried and equipped and fed by the state.
Moreover -- and this was the master stroke -- it should be decreed that these
princely grandees should be always addressed by a stunningly gaudy and
awe-compelling title (which I would presently invent), and they and they only in
all England should be so addressed. Finally, all princes of the blood should
have free choice; join that regiment, get that great title, and renounce the
royal grant, or stay out and receive a grant. Neatest touch of all: unborn but
imminent princes of the blood could be BORN into the regiment, and start fair,
with good wages and a permanent situation, upon due notice from the parents.
All the boys would join, I was sure of that; so, all existing grants would be
relinquished; that the newly born would always join was equally certain. Within
sixty days that quaint and bizarre anomaly, the Royal Grant, would cease to be a
living fact, and take its place among the curiosities of the past.
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