ADAM did not ask Dinah to take his arm when they got out into the lane. He
had never yet done so, often as they had walked together, for he had observed
that she never walked arm-in-arm with Seth, and he thought, perhaps, that kind
of support was not agreeable to her. So they walked apart, though side by side,
and the close poke of her little black bonnet hid her face from him.
"You can't be happy, then, to make the Hall Farm your home, Dinah?" Adam
said, with the quiet interest of a brother, who has no anxiety for himself in
the matter. "It's a pity, seeing they're so fond of you."
"You know, Adam, my heart is as their heart, so far as love for them and care
for their welfare goes, but they are in no present need. Their sorrows are
healed, and I feel that I am called back to my old work, in which I found a
blessing that I have missed of late in the midst of too abundant worldly good. I
know it is a vain thought to flee from the work that God appoints us, for the
sake of finding a greater blessing to our own souls, as if we could choose for
ourselves where we shall find the fulness of the Divine Presence, instead of
seeking it where alone it is to be found, in loving obedience. But now, I
believe, I have a clear showing that my work lies elsewhere--at least for a
time. In the years to come, if my aunt's health should fail, or she should
otherwise need me, I shall return."
"You know best, Dinah," said Adam. "I don't believe you'd go against the
wishes of them that love you, and are akin to you, without a good and sufficient
reason in your own conscience. I've no right to say anything about my being
sorry: you know well enough what cause I have to put you above every other
friend I've got; and if it had been ordered so that you could ha' been my
sister, and lived with us all our lives, I should ha' counted it the greatest
blessing as could happen to us now. But Seth tells me there's no hope o' that:
your feelings are different, and perhaps I'm taking too much upon me to speak
about it."
Dinah made no answer, and they walked on in silence for some yards, till they
came to the stone stile, where, as Adam had passed through first and turned
round to give her his hand while she mounted the unusually high step, she could
not prevent him from seeing her face. It struck him with surprise, for the grey
eyes, usually so mild and grave, had the bright uneasy glance which accompanies
suppressed agitation, and the slight flush in her cheeks, with which she had
come downstairs, was heightened to a deep rose-colour. She looked as if she were
only sister to Dinah. Adam was silent with surprise and conjecture for some
moments, and then he said, "I hope I've not hurt or displeased you by what I've
said, Dinah. Perhaps I was making too free. I've no wish different from what you
see to be best, and I'm satisfied for you to live thirty mile off, if you think
it right. I shall think of you just as much as I do now, for you're bound up
with what I can no more help remembering than I can help my heart beating."
Poor Adam! Thus do men blunder. Dinah made no answer, but she presently said,
"Have you heard any news from that poor young man, since we last spoke of him?"
Dinah always called Arthur so; she had never lost the image of him as she had
seen him in the prison.
"Yes," said Adam. "Mr. Irwine read me part of a letter from him yesterday.
It's pretty certain, they say, that there'll be a peace soon, though nobody
believes it'll last long; but he says he doesn't mean to come home. He's no
heart for it yet, and it's better for others that he should keep away. Mr.
Irwine thinks he's in the right not to come. It's a sorrowful letter. He asks
about you and the Poysers, as he always does. There's one thing in the letter
cut me a good deal: 'You can't think what an old fellow I feel,' he says; 'I
make no schemes now. I'm the best when I've a good day's march or fighting
before me.'"
"He's of a rash, warm-hearted nature, like Esau, for whom I have always felt
great pity," said Dinah. "That meeting between the brothers, where Esau is so
loving and generous, and Jacob so timid and distrustful, notwithstanding his
sense of the Divine favour, has always touched me greatly. Truly, I have been
tempted sometimes to say that Jacob was of a mean spirit. But that is our trial:
we must learn to see the good in the midst of much that is unlovely."
"Ah," said Adam, "I like to read about Moses best, in th' Old Testament. He
carried a hard business well through, and died when other folks were going to
reap the fruits. A man must have courage to look at his life so, and think
what'll come of it after he's dead and gone. A good solid bit o' work lasts: if
it's only laying a floor down, somebody's the better for it being done well,
besides the man as does it."
They were both glad to talk of subjects that were not personal, and in this
way they went on till they passed the bridge across the Willow Brook, when Adam
turned round and said, "Ah, here's Seth. I thought he'd be home soon. Does he
know of you're going, Dinah?"
"Yes, I told him last Sabbath."
Adam remembered now that Seth had come home much depressed on Sunday evening,
a circumstance which had been very unusual with him of late, for the happiness
he had in seeing Dinah every week seemed long to have outweighed the pain of
knowing she would never marry him. This evening he had his habitual air of
dreamy benignant contentment, until he came quite close to Dinah and saw the
traces of tears on her delicate eyelids and eyelashes. He gave one rapid glance
at his brother, but Adam was evidently quite outside the current of emotion that
had shaken Dinah: he wore his everyday look of unexpectant calm. Seth tried not
to let Dinah see that he had noticed her face, and only said, "I'm thankful
you're come, Dinah, for Mother's been hungering after the sight of you all day.
She began to talk of you the first thing in the morning."
When they entered the cottage, Lisbeth was seated in her arm- chair, too
tired with setting out the evening meal, a task she always performed a long time
beforehand, to go and meet them at the door as usual, when she heard the
approaching footsteps.
"Coom, child, thee't coom at last," she said, when Dinah went towards her.
"What dost mane by lavin' me a week an' ne'er coomin' a-nigh me?"
"Dear friend," said Dinah, taking her hand, "you're not well. If I'd known it
sooner, I'd have come."
"An' how's thee t' know if thee dostna coom? Th' lads on'y know what I tell
'em. As long as ye can stir hand and foot the men think ye're hearty. But I'm
none so bad, on'y a bit of a cold sets me achin'. An' th' lads tease me so t'
ha' somebody wi' me t' do the work--they make me ache worse wi' talkin'. If
thee'dst come and stay wi' me, they'd let me alone. The Poysers canna want thee
so bad as I do. But take thy bonnet off, an' let me look at thee."
Dinah was moving away, but Lisbeth held her fast, while she was taking off
her bonnet, and looked at her face as one looks into a newly gathered snowdrop,
to renew the old impressions of purity and gentleness.
"What's the matter wi' thee?" said Lisbeth, in astonishment; "thee'st been
a-cryin'."
"It's only a grief that'll pass away," said Dinah, who did not wish just now
to call forth Lisbeth's remonstrances by disclosing her intention to leave
Hayslope. "You shall know about it shortly--we'll talk of it to-night. I shall
stay with you to- night."
Lisbeth was pacified by this prospect. And she had the whole evening to talk
with Dinah alone; for there was a new room in the cottage, you remember, built
nearly two years ago, in the expectation of a new inmate; and here Adam always
sat when he had writing to do or plans to make. Seth sat there too this evening,
for he knew his mother would like to have Dinah all to herself.
There were two pretty pictures on the two sides of the wall in the cottage.
On one side there was the broad-shouldered, large- featured, hardy old woman, in
her blue jacket and buff kerchief, with her dim-eyed anxious looks turned
continually on the lily face and the slight form in the black dress that were
either moving lightly about in helpful activity, or seated close by the old
woman's arm-chair, holding her withered hand, with eyes lifted up towards her to
speak a language which Lisbeth understood far better than the Bible or the
hymn-book. She would scarcely listen to reading at all to-night. "Nay, nay, shut
the book," she said. "We mun talk. I want t' know what thee was cryin' about.
Hast got troubles o' thy own, like other folks?"
On the other side of the wall there were the two brothers so like each other
in the midst of their unlikeness: Adam with knit brows, shaggy hair, and dark
vigorous colour, absorbed in his "figuring"; Seth, with large rugged features,
the close copy of his brother's, but with thin, wavy, brown hair and blue dreamy
eyes, as often as not looking vaguely out of the window instead of at his book,
although it was a newly bought book--Wesley's abridgment of Madame Guyon's life,
which was full of wonder and interest for him. Seth had said to Adam, "Can I
help thee with anything in here to-night? I don't want to make a noise in the
shop."
"No, lad," Adam answered, "there's nothing but what I must do myself. Thee'st
got thy new book to read."
And often, when Seth was quite unconscious, Adam, as he paused after drawing
a line with his ruler, looked at his brother with a kind smile dawning in his
eyes. He knew "th' lad liked to sit full o' thoughts he could give no account
of; they'd never come t' anything, but they made him happy," and in the last
year or so, Adam had been getting more and more indulgent to Seth. It was part
of that growing tenderness which came from the sorrow at work within him.
For Adam, though you see him quite master of himself, working hard and
delighting in his work after his inborn inalienable nature, had not outlived his
sorrow--had not felt it slip from him as a temporary burden, and leave him the
same man again. Do any of us? God forbid. It would be a poor result of all our
anguish and our wrestling if we won nothing but our old selves at the end of
it-- if we could return to the same blind loves, the same self- confident blame,
the same light thoughts of human suffering, the same frivolous gossip over
blighted human lives, the same feeble sense of that Unknown towards which we
have sent forth irrepressible cries in our loneliness. Let us rather be thankful
that our sorrow lives in us as an indestructible force, only changing its form,
as forces do, and passing from pain into sympathy--the one poor word which
includes all our best insight and our best love. Not that this transformation of
pain into sympathy had completely taken place in Adam yet. There was still a
great remnant of pain, and this he felt would subsist as long as her pain was
not a memory, but an existing thing, which he must think of as renewed with the
light of every new morning. But we get accustomed to mental as well as bodily
pain, without, for all that, losing our sensibility to it. It becomes a habit of
our lives, and we cease to imagine a condition of perfect ease as possible for
us. Desire is chastened into submission, and we are contented with our day when
we have been able to bear our grief in silence and act as if we were not
suffering. For it is at such periods that the sense of our lives having visible
and invisible relations, beyond any of which either our present or prospective
self is the centre, grows like a muscle that we are obliged to lean on and
exert.
That was Adam's state of mind in this second autumn of his sorrow. His work,
as you know, had always been part of his religion, and from very early days he
saw clearly that good carpentry was God's will--was that form of God's will that
most immediately concerned him. But now there was no margin of dreams for him
beyond this daylight reality, no holiday-time in the working-day world, no
moment in the distance when duty would take off her iron glove and breast-plate
and clasp him gently into rest. He conceived no picture of the future but one
made up of hard-working days such as he lived through, with growing contentment
and intensity of interest, every fresh week. Love, he thought, could never be
anything to him but a living memory--a limb lopped off, but not gone from
consciousness. He did not know that the power of loving was all the while
gaining new force within him; that the new sensibilities bought by a deep
experience were so many new fibres by which it was possible, nay, necessary to
him, that his nature should intertwine with another. Yet he was aware that
common affection and friendship were more precious to him than they used to
be--that he clung more to his mother and Seth, and had an unspeakable
satisfaction in the sight or imagination of any small addition to their
happiness. The Poysers, too--hardly three or four days passed but he felt the
need of seeing them and interchanging words and looks of friendliness with them.
He would have felt this, probably, even if Dinah had not been with them, but he
had only said the simplest truth in telling Dinah that he put her above all
other friends in the world. Could anything be more natural? For in the darkest
moments of memory the thought of her always came as the first ray of returning
comfort. The early days of gloom at the Hall Farm had been gradually turned into
soft moonlight by her presence; and in the cottage, too, for she had come at
every spare moment to soothe and cheer poor Lisbeth, who had been stricken with
a fear that subdued even her querulousness at the sight of her darling Adam's
grief-worn face. He had become used to watching her light quiet movements, her
pretty loving ways to the children, when he went to the Hall Farm; to listen for
her voice as for a recurrent music; to think everything she said and did was
just right, and could not have been better. In spite of his wisdom, he could not
find fault with her for her overindulgence of the children, who had managed to
convert Dinah the preacher, before whom a circle of rough men had often trembled
a little, into a convenient household slave--though Dinah herself was rather
ashamed of this weakness, and had some inward conflict as to her departure from
the precepts of Solomon. Yes, there was one thing that might have been better;
she might have loved Seth and consented to marry him. He felt a little vexed,
for his brother's sake, and he could not help thinking regretfully how Dinah, as
Seth's wife, would have made their home as happy as it could be for them
all--how she was the one being that would have soothed their mother's last days
into peacefulness and rest.
"It's wonderful she doesn't love th' lad," Adam had said sometimes to
himself, "for anybody 'ud think he was just cut out for her. But her heart's so
taken up with other things. She's one o' those women that feel no drawing
towards having a husband and children o' their own. She thinks she should be
filled up with her own life then, and she's been used so to living in other
folks's cares, she can't bear the thought of her heart being shut up from 'em. I
see how it is, well enough. She's cut out o' different stuff from most women: I
saw that long ago. She's never easy but when she's helping somebody, and
marriage 'ud interfere with her ways--that's true. I've no right to be
contriving and thinking it 'ud be better if she'd have Seth, as if I was wiser
than she is-- or than God either, for He made her what she is, and that's one o'
the greatest blessings I've ever had from His hands, and others besides me."
This self-reproof had recurred strongly to Adam's mind when he gathered from
Dinah's face that he had wounded her by referring to his wish that she had
accepted Seth, and so he had endeavoured to put into the strongest words his
confidence in her decision as right--his resignation even to her going away from
them and ceasing to make part of their life otherwise than by living in their
thoughts, if that separation were chosen by herself. He felt sure she knew quite
well enough how much he cared to see her continually--to talk to her with the
silent consciousness of a mutual great remembrance. It was not possible she
should hear anything but self-renouncing affection and respect in his assurance
that he was contented for her to go away; and yet there remained an uneasy
feeling in his mind that he had not said quite the right thing--that, somehow,
Dinah had not understood him.
Dinah must have risen a little before the sun the next morning, for she was
downstairs about five o'clock. So was Seth, for, through Lisbeth's obstinate
refusal to have any woman-helper in the house, he had learned to make himself,
as Adam said, "very handy in the housework," that he might save his mother from
too great weariness; on which ground I hope you will not think him unmanly, any
more than you can have thought the gallant Colonel Bath unmanly when he made the
gruel for his invalid sister. Adam, who had sat up late at his writing, was
still asleep, and was not likely, Seth said, to be down till breakfast-time.
Often as Dinah had visited Lisbeth during the last eighteen months, she had
never slept in the cottage since that night after Thias's death, when, you
remember, Lisbeth praised her deft movements and even gave a modified approval
to her porridge. But in that long interval Dinah had made great advances in
household cleverness, and this morning, since Seth was there to help, she was
bent on bringing everything to a pitch of cleanliness and order that would have
satisfied her Aunt Poyser. The cottage was far from that standard at present,
for Lisbeth's rheumatism had forced her to give up her old habits of dilettante
scouring and polishing. When the kitchen was to her mind, Dinah went into the
new room, where Adam had been writing the night before, to see what sweeping and
dusting were needed there. She opened the window and let in the fresh morning
air, and the smell of the sweet-brier, and the bright low-slanting rays of the
early sun, which made a glory about her pale face and pale auburn hair as she
held the long brush, and swept, singing to herself in a very low tone--like a
sweet summer murmur that you have to listen for very closely--one of Charles
Wesley's hymns:
Eternal Beam of Light Divine, Fountain of unexhausted love, In whom the
Father's glories shine, Through earth beneath and heaven above;
Jesus! the weary wanderer's rest, Give me thy easy yoke to bear; With
steadfast patience arm my breast, With spotless love and holy fear.
Speak to my warring passions, "Peace!" Say to my trembling heart, "Be still!"
Thy power my strength and fortress is, For all things serve thy sovereign will.
She laid by the brush and took up the duster; and if you had ever lived in
Mrs. Poyser's household, you would know how the duster behaved in Dinah's
hand--how it went into every small corner, and on every ledge in and out of
sight--how it went again and again round every bar of the chairs, and every leg,
and under and over everything that lay on the table, till it came to Adam's
papers and rulers and the open desk near them. Dinah dusted up to the very edge
of these and then hesitated, looking at them with a longing but timid eye. It
was painful to see how much dust there was among them. As she was looking in
this way, she heard Seth's step just outside the open door, towards which her
back was turned, and said, raising her clear treble, "Seth, is your brother
wrathful when his papers are stirred?"
"Yes, very, when they are not put back in the right places," said a deep
strong voice, not Seth's.
It was as if Dinah had put her hands unawares on a vibrating chord. She was
shaken with an intense thrill, and for the instant felt nothing else; then she
knew her cheeks were glowing, and dared not look round, but stood still,
distressed because she could not say good-morning in a friendly way. Adam,
finding that she did not look round so as to see the smile on his face, was
afraid she had thought him serious about his wrathfulness, and went up to her,
so that she was obliged to look at him.
"What! You think I'm a cross fellow at home, Dinah?" he said, smilingly.
"Nay," said Dinah, looking up with timid eyes, "not so. But you might be put
about by finding things meddled with; and even the man Moses, the meekest of
men, was wrathful sometimes."
"Come, then," said Adam, looking at her affectionately, "I'll help you move
the things, and put 'em back again, and then they can't get wrong. You're
getting to be your aunt's own niece, I see, for particularness."
They began their little task together, but Dinah had not recovered herself
sufficiently to think of any remark, and Adam looked at her uneasily. Dinah, he
thought, had seemed to disapprove him somehow lately; she had not been so kind
and open to him as she used to be. He wanted her to look at him, and be as
pleased as he was himself with doing this bit of playful work. But Dinah did not
look at him--it was easy for her to avoid looking at the tall man--and when at
last there was no more dusting to be done and no further excuse for him to
linger near her, he could bear it no longer, and said, in rather a pleading
tone, "Dinah, you're not displeased with me for anything, are you? I've not said
or done anything to make you think ill of me?"
The question surprised her, and relieved her by giving a new course to her
feeling. She looked up at him now, quite earnestly, almost with the tears
coming, and said, "Oh, no, Adam! how could you think so?"
"I couldn't bear you not to feel as much a friend to me as I do to you," said
Adam. "And you don't know the value I set on the very thought of you, Dinah.
That was what I meant yesterday, when I said I'd be content for you to go, if
you thought right. I meant, the thought of you was worth so much to me, I should
feel I ought to be thankful, and not grumble, if you see right to go away. You
know I do mind parting with you, Dinah?"
"Yes, dear friend," said Dinah, trembling, but trying to speak calmly, "I
know you have a brother's heart towards me, and we shall often be with one
another in spirit; but at this season I am in heaviness through manifold
temptations. You must not mark me. I feel called to leave my kindred for a
while; but it is a trial-- the flesh is weak."
Adam saw that it pained her to be obliged to answer.
"I hurt you by talking about it, Dinah," he said. "I'll say no more. Let's
see if Seth's ready with breakfast now."
That is a simple scene, reader. But it is almost certain that you, too, have
been in love--perhaps, even, more than once, though you may not choose to say so
to all your feminine friends. If so, you will no more think the slight words,
the timid looks, the tremulous touches, by which two human souls approach each
other gradually, like two little quivering rain-streams, before they mingle into
one--you will no more think these things trivial than you will think the
first-detected signs of coming spring trivial, though they be but a faint
indescribable something in the air and in the song of the birds, and the tiniest
perceptible budding on the hedge-row branches. Those slight words and looks and
touches are part of the soul's language; and the finest language, I believe, is
chiefly made up of unimposing words, such as "light," "sound," "stars,"
"music"--words really not worth looking at, or hearing, in themselves, any more
than "chips" or "sawdust." It is only that they happen to be the signs of
something unspeakably great and beautiful. I am of opinion that love is a great
and beautiful thing too, and if you agree with me, the smallest signs of it will
not be chips and sawdust to you: they will rather be like those little
words,"light" and "music," stirring the long- winding fibres of your memory and
enriching your present with your most precious past.
|