THE next Sunday Adam joined the Poysers on their way out of church, hoping
for an invitation to go home with them. He had the letter in his pocket, and was
anxious to have an opportunity of talking to Hetty alone. He could not see her
face at church, for she had changed her seat, and when he came up to her to
shake hands, her manner was doubtful and constrained. He expected this, for it
was the first time she had met him since she had been aware that he had seen her
with Arthur in the Grove.
"Come, you'll go on with us, Adam," Mr. Poyser said when they reached the
turning; and as soon as they were in the fields Adam ventured to offer his arm
to Hetty. The children soon gave them an opportunity of lingering behind a
little, and then Adam said:
"Will you contrive for me to walk out in the garden a bit with you this
evening, if it keeps fine, Hetty? I've something partic'lar to talk to you
about."
Hetty said, "Very well." She was really as anxious as Adam was that she
should have some private talk with him. She wondered what he thought of her and
Arthur. He must have seen them kissing, she knew, but she had no conception of
the scene that had taken place between Arthur and Adam. Her first feeling had
been that Adam would be very angry with her, and perhaps would tell her aunt and
uncle, but it never entered her mind that he would dare to say anything to
Captain Donnithorne. It was a relief to her that he behaved so kindly to her
to-day, and wanted to speak to her alone, for she had trembled when she found he
was going home with them lest he should mean "to tell." But, now he wanted to
talk to her by herself, she should learn what he thought and what he meant to
do. She felt a certain confidence that she could persuade him not to do anything
she did not want him to do; she could perhaps even make him believe that she
didn't care for Arthur; and as long as Adam thought there was any hope of her
having him, he would do just what she liked, she knew. Besides, she MUST go on
seeming to encourage Adam, lest her uncle and aunt should be angry and suspect
her of having some secret lover.
Hetty's little brain was busy with this combination as she hung on Adam's arm
and said "yes" or "no" to some slight observations of his about the many
hawthorn-berries there would be for the birds this next winter, and the
low-hanging clouds that would hardly hold up till morning. And when they
rejoined her aunt and uncle, she could pursue her thoughts without interruption,
for Mr. Poyser held that though a young man might like to have the woman he was
courting on his arm, he would nevertheless be glad of a little reasonable talk
about business the while; and, for his own part, he was curious to heal the most
recent news about the Chase Farm. So, through the rest of the walk, he claimed
Adam's conversation for himself, and Hetty laid her small plots and imagined her
little scenes of cunning blandishment, as she walked along by the hedgerows on
honest Adam's arm, quite as well as if she had been an elegantly clad coquette
alone in her boudoir. For if a country beauty in clumsy shoes be only
shallow-hearted enough, it is astonishing how closely her mental processes may
resemble those of a lady in society and crinoline, who applies her refined
intellect to the problem of committing indiscretions without compromising
herself. Perhaps the resemblance was not much the less because Hetty felt very
unhappy all the while. The parting with Arthur was a double pain to
her--mingling with the tumult of passion and vanity there was a dim undefined
fear that the future might shape itself in some way quite unlike her dream. She
clung to the comforting hopeful words Arthur had uttered in their last meeting--
"I shall come again at Christmas, and then we will see what can be done." She
clung to the belief that he was so fond of her, he would never be happy without
her; and she still hugged her secret-- that a great gentleman loved her--with
gratified pride, as a superiority over all the girls she knew. But the
uncertainty of the future, the possibilities to which she could give no shape,
began to press upon her like the invisible weight of air; she was alone on her
little island of dreams, and all around her was the dark unknown water where
Arthur was gone. She could gather no elation of spirits now by looking forward,
but only by looking backward to build confidence on past words and caresses. But
occasionally, since Thursday evening, her dim anxieties had been almost lost
behind the more definite fear that Adam might betray what he knew to her uncle
and aunt, and his sudden proposition to talk with her alone had set her thoughts
to work in a new way. She was eager not to lose this evening's opportunity; and
after tea, when the boys were going into the garden and Totty begged to go with
them, Hetty said, with an alacrity that surprised Mrs. Poyser, "I'll go with
her, Aunt."
It did not seem at all surprising that Adam said he would go too, and soon he
and Hetty were left alone together on the walk by the filbert-trees, while the
boys were busy elsewhere gathering the large unripe nuts to play at "cob-nut"
with, and Totty was watching them with a puppylike air of contemplation. It was
but a short time--hardly two months--since Adam had had his mind filled with
delicious hopes as he stood by Hetty's side un this garden. The remembrance of
that scene had often been with him since Thursday evening: the sunlight through
the apple-tree boughs, the red bunches, Hetty's sweet blush. It came
importunately now, on this sad evening, with the low-hanging clouds, but he
tried to suppress it, lest some emotion should impel him to say more than was
needful for Hetty's sake.
"After what I saw on Thursday night, Hetty," he began, "you won't think me
making too free in what I'm going to say. If you was being courted by any man as
'ud make you his wife, and I'd known you was fond of him and meant to have him,
I should have no right to speak a word to you about it; but when I see you're
being made love to by a gentleman as can never marry you, and doesna think o'
marrying you, I feel bound t' interfere for you. I can't speak about it to them
as are i' the place o' your parents, for that might bring worse trouble than's
needful."
Adam's words relieved one of Hetty's fears, but they also carried a meaning
which sickened her with a strengthened foreboding. She was pale and trembling,
and yet she would have angrily contradicted Adam, if she had dared to betray her
feelings. But she was silent.
"You're so young, you know, Hetty," he went on, almost tenderly, "and y'
haven't seen much o' what goes on in the world. It's right for me to do what I
can to save you from getting into trouble for want o' your knowing where you're
being led to. If anybody besides me knew what I know about your meeting a
gentleman and having fine presents from him, they'd speak light on you, and
you'd lose your character. And besides that, you'll have to suffer in your
feelings, wi' giving your love to a man as can never marry you, so as he might
take care of you all your life."
Adam paused and looked at Hetty, who was plucking the leaves from the
filbert-trees and tearing them up in her hand. Her little plans and preconcerted
speeches had all forsaken her, like an ill- learnt lesson, under the terrible
agitation produced by Adam's words. There was a cruel force in their calm
certainty which threatened to grapple and crush her flimsy hopes and fancies.
She wanted to resist them--she wanted to throw them off with angry
contradiction--but the determination to conceal what she felt still governed
her. It was nothing more than a blind prompting now, for she was unable to
calculate the effect of her words.
"You've no right to say as I love him," she said, faintly, but impetuously,
plucking another rough leaf and tearing it up. She was very beautiful in her
paleness and agitation, with her dark childish eyes dilated and her breath
shorter than usual. Adam's heart yearned over her as he looked at her. Ah, if he
could but comfort her, and soothe her, and save her from this pain; if he had
but some sort of strength that would enable him to rescue her poor troubled
mind, as he would have rescued her body in the face of all danger!
"I doubt it must be so, Hetty," he said, tenderly; "for I canna believe you'd
let any man kiss you by yourselves, and give you a gold box with his hair, and
go a-walking i' the Grove to meet him, if you didna love him. I'm not blaming
you, for I know it 'ud begin by little and little, till at last you'd not be
able to throw it off. It's him I blame for stealing your love i' that way, when
he knew he could never make you the right amends. He's been trifling with you,
and making a plaything of you, and caring nothing about you as a man ought to
care."
"Yes, he does care for me; I know better nor you," Hetty burst out.
Everything was forgotten but the pain and anger she felt at Adam's words.
"Nay, Hetty," said Adam, "if he'd cared for you rightly, he'd never ha'
behaved so. He told me himself he meant nothing by his kissing and presents, and
he wanted to make me believe as you thought light of 'em too. But I know better
nor that. I can't help thinking as you've been trusting to his loving you well
enough to marry you, for all he's a gentleman. And that's why I must speak to
you about it, Hetty, for fear you should be deceiving yourself. It's never
entered his head the thought o' marrying you."
"How do you know? How durst you say so?" said Hetty, pausing in her walk and
trembling. The terrible decision of Adam's tone shook her with fear. She had no
presence of mind left for the reflection that Arthur would have his reasons for
not telling the truth to Adam. Her words and look were enough to determine Adam:
he must give her the letter.
"Perhaps you can't believe me, Hetty, because you think too well of
him--because you think he loves you better than he does. But I've got a letter
i' my pocket, as he wrote himself for me to give you. I've not read the letter,
but he says he's told you the truth in it. But before I give you the letter,
consider, Hetty, and don't let it take too much hold on you. It wouldna ha' been
good for you if he'd wanted to do such a mad thing as marry you: it 'ud ha' led
to no happiness i' th' end."
Hetty said nothing; she felt a revival of hope at the mention of a letter
which Adam had not read. There would be something quite different in it from
what he thought.
Adam took out the letter, but he held it in his hand still, while he said, in
a tone of tender entreaty, "Don't you bear me ill will, Hetty, because I'm the
means o' bringing you this pain. God knows I'd ha' borne a good deal worse for
the sake o' sparing it you. And think--there's nobody but me knows about this,
and I'll take care of you as if I was your brother. You're the same as ever to
me, for I don't believe you've done any wrong knowingly."
Hetty had laid her hand on the letter, but Adam did not loose it till he had
done speaking. She took no notice of what he said-- she had not listened; but
when he loosed the letter, she put it into her pocket, without opening it, and
then began to walk more quickly, as if she wanted to go in.
"You're in the right not to read it just yet," said Adam. "Read it when
you're by yourself. But stay out a little bit longer, and let us call the
children: you look so white and ill, your aunt may take notice of it."
Hetty heard the warning. It recalled to her the necessity of rallying her
native powers of concealment, which had half given way under the shock of Adam's
words. And she had the letter in her pocket: she was sure there was comfort in
that letter in spite of Adam. She ran to find Totty, and soon reappeared with
recovered colour, leading Totty, who was making a sour face because she had been
obliged to throw away an unripe apple that she had set her small teeth in.
"Hegh, Totty," said Adam, "come and ride on my shoulder--ever so high--you'll
touch the tops o' the trees."
What little child ever refused to be comforted by that glorious sense of
being seized strongly and swung upward? I don't believe Ganymede cried when the
eagle carried him away, and perhaps deposited him on Jove's shoulder at the end.
Totty smiled down complacently from her secure height, and pleasant was the
sight to the mother's eyes, as she stood at the house door and saw Adam coming
with his small burden.
"Bless your sweet face, my pet," she said, the mother's strong love filling
her keen eyes with mildness, as Totty leaned forward and put out her arms. She
had no eyes for Hetty at that moment, and only said, without looking at her,
"You go and draw some ale, Hetty; the gells are both at the cheese."
After the ale had been drawn and her uncle's pipe lighted, there was Totty to
be taken to bed, and brought down again in her night- gown because she would cry
instead of going to sleep. Then there was supper to be got ready, and Hetty must
be continually in the way to give help. Adam stayed till he knew Mrs. Poyser
expected him to go, engaging her and her husband in talk as constantly as he
could, for the sake of leaving Hetty more at ease. He lingered, because he
wanted to see her safely through that evening, and he was delighted to find how
much self-command she showed. He knew she had not had time to read the letter,
but he did not know she was buoyed up by a secret hope that the letter would
contradict everything he had said. It was hard work for him to leave her--hard
to think that he should not know for days how she was bearing her trouble. But
he must go at last, and all he could do was to press her hand gently as he said
"Good-bye," and hope she would take that as a sign that if his love could ever
be a refuge for her, it was there the same as ever. How busy his thoughts were,
as he walked home, in devising pitying excuses for her folly, in referring all
her weakness to the sweet lovingness of her nature, in blaming Arthur, with less
and less inclination to admit that his conduct might be extenuated too! His
exasperation at Hetty's suffering--and also at the sense that she was possibly
thrust for ever out of his own reach--deafened him to any plea for the miscalled
friend who had wrought this misery. Adam was a clear-sighted, fair-minded man--a
fine fellow, indeed, morally as well as physically. But if Aristides the Just
was ever in love and jealous, he was at that moment not perfectly magnanimous.
And I cannot pretend that Adam, in these painful days, felt nothing but
righteous indignation and loving pity. He was bitterly jealous, and in
proportion as his love made him indulgent in his judgment of Hetty, the
bitterness found a vent in his feeling towards Arthur.
"Her head was allays likely to be turned," he thought, "when a gentleman,
with his fine manners, and fine clothes, and his white hands, and that way o'
talking gentlefolks have, came about her, making up to her in a bold way, as a
man couldn't do that was only her equal; and it's much if she'll ever like a
common man now." He could not help drawing his own hands out of his pocket and
looking at them--at the hard palms and the broken finger-nails. "I'm a roughish
fellow, altogether; I don't know, now I come to think on't, what there is much
for a woman to like about me; and yet I might ha' got another wife easy enough,
if I hadn't set my heart on her. But it's little matter what other women think
about me, if she can't love me. She might ha' loved me, perhaps, as likely as
any other man--there's nobody hereabouts as I'm afraid of, if he hadn't come
between us; but now I shall belike be hateful to her because I'm so different to
him. And yet there's no telling--she may turn round the other way, when she
finds he's made light of her all the while. She may come to feel the vally of a
man as 'ud be thankful to be bound to her all his life. But I must put up with
it whichever way it is--I've only to be thankful it's been no worse. I am not
th' only man that's got to do without much happiness i' this life. There's many
a good bit o' work done with a bad heart. It's God's will, and that's enough for
us: we shouldn't know better how things ought to be than He does, I reckon, if
we was to spend our lives i' puzzling. But it 'ud ha' gone near to spoil my work
for me, if I'd seen her brought to sorrow and shame, and through the man as I've
always been proud to think on. Since I've been spared that, I've no right to
grumble. When a man's got his limbs whole, he can bear a smart cut or two."
As Adam was getting over a stile at this point in his reflections, he
perceived a man walking along the field before him. He knew it was Seth,
returning from an evening preaching, and made haste to overtake him.
"I thought thee'dst be at home before me," he said, as Seth turned round to
wait for him, "for I'm later than usual to-night."
"Well, I'm later too, for I got into talk, after meeting, with John Barnes,
who has lately professed himself in a state of perfection, and I'd a question to
ask him about his experience. It's one o' them subjects that lead you further
than y' expect-- they don't lie along the straight road."
They walked along together in silence two or three minutes. Adam was not
inclined to enter into the subtleties of religious experience, but he was
inclined to interchange a word or two of brotherly affection and confidence with
Seth. That was a rare impulse in him, much as the brothers loved each other.
They hardly ever spoke of personal matters, or uttered more than an allusion to
their family troubles. Adam was by nature reserved in all matters of feeling,
and Seth felt a certain timidity towards his more practical brother.
"Seth, lad," Adam said, putting his arm on his brother's shoulder, "hast
heard anything from Dinah Morris since she went away?"
"Yes," said Seth. "She told me I might write her word after a while, how we
went on, and how mother bore up under her trouble. So I wrote to her a fortnight
ago, and told her about thee having a new employment, and how Mother was more
contented; and last Wednesday, when I called at the post at Treddles'on, I found
a letter from her. I think thee'dst perhaps like to read it, but I didna say
anything about it because thee'st seemed so full of other things. It's quite
easy t' read--she writes wonderful for a woman."
Seth had drawn the letter from his pocket and held it out to Adam, who said,
as he took it, "Aye, lad, I've got a tough load to carry just now--thee mustna
take it ill if I'm a bit silenter and crustier nor usual. Trouble doesna make me
care the less for thee. I know we shall stick together to the last."
"I take nought ill o' thee, Adam. I know well enough what it means if thee't
a bit short wi' me now and then."
"There's Mother opening the door to look out for us," said Adam, as they
mounted the slope. "She's been sitting i' the dark as usual. Well, Gyp, well,
art glad to see me?"
Lisbeth went in again quickly and lighted a candle, for she had heard the
welcome rustling of footsteps on the grass, before Gyp's joyful bark.
"Eh, my lads! Th' hours war ne'er so long sin' I war born as they'n been this
blessed Sunday night. What can ye both ha' been doin' till this time?"
"Thee shouldstna sit i' the dark, Mother," said Adam; "that makes the time
seem longer."
"Eh, what am I to do wi' burnin' candle of a Sunday, when there's on'y me an'
it's sin to do a bit o' knittin'? The daylight's long enough for me to stare i'
the booke as I canna read. It 'ud be a fine way o' shortenin' the time, to make
it waste the good candle. But which on you's for ha'in' supper? Ye mun ayther be
clemmed or full, I should think, seein' what time o' night it is."
"I'm hungry, Mother," said Seth, seating himself at the little table, which
had been spread ever since it was light.
"I've had my supper," said Adam. "Here, Gyp," he added, taking some cold
potato from the table and rubbing the rough grey head that looked up towards
him.
"Thee needstna be gi'in' th' dog," said Lisbeth; "I'n fed him well a'ready.
I'm not like to forget him, I reckon, when he's all o' thee I can get sight on."
"Come, then, Gyp," said Adam, "we'll go to bed. Good-night, Mother; I'm very
tired."
"What ails him, dost know?" Lisbeth said to Seth, when Adam was gone
upstairs. "He's like as if he was struck for death this day or two--he's so cast
down. I found him i' the shop this forenoon, arter thee wast gone, a-sittin' an'
doin' nothin'--not so much as a booke afore him."
"He's a deal o' work upon him just now, Mother," said Seth, "and I think he's
a bit troubled in his mind. Don't you take notice of it, because it hurts him
when you do. Be as kind to him as you can, Mother, and don't say anything to vex
him."
"Eh, what dost talk o' my vexin' him? An' what am I like to be but kind? I'll
ma' him a kettle-cake for breakfast i' the mornin'."
Adam, meanwhile, was reading Dinah's letter by the light of his dip candle.
DEAR BROTHER SETH--Your letter lay three days beyond my knowing of it at the
post, for I had not money enough by me to pay the carriage, this being a time of
great need and sickness here, with the rains that have fallen, as if the windows
of heaven were opened again; and to lay by money, from day to day, in such a
time, when there are so many in present need of all things, would be a want of
trust like the laying up of the manna. I speak of this, because I would not have
you think me slow to answer, or that I had small joy in your rejoicing at the
worldly good that has befallen your brother Adam. The honour and love you bear
him is nothing but meet, for God has given him great gifts, and he uses them as
the patriarch Joseph did, who, when he was exalted to a place of power and
trust, yet yearned with tenderness towards his parent and his younger brother.
"My heart is knit to your aged mother since it was granted me to be near her
in the day of trouble. Speak to her of me, and tell her I often bear her in my
thoughts at evening time, when I am sitting in the dim light as I did with her,
and we held one another's hands, and I spoke the words of comfort that were
given to me. Ah, that is a blessed time, isn't it, Seth, when the outward light
is fading, and the body is a little wearied with its work and its labour. Then
the inward light shines the brighter, and we have a deeper sense of resting on
the Divine strength. I sit on my chair in the dark room and close my eyes, and
it is as if I was out of the body and could feel no want for evermore. For then,
the very hardship, and the sorrow, and the blindness, and the sin I have beheld
and been ready to weep over--yea, all the anguish of the children of men, which
sometimes wraps me round like sudden darkness--I can bear with a willing pain,
as if I was sharing the Redeemer's cross. For I feel it, I feel it--infinite
love is suffering too--yea, in the fulness of knowledge it suffers, it yearns,
it mourns; and that is a blind self-seeking which wants to be freed from the
sorrow wherewith the whole creation groaneth and travaileth. Surely it is not
true blessedness to be free from sorrow, while there is sorrow and sin in the
world: sorrow is then a part of love, and love does not seek to throw it off. It
is not the spirit only that tells me this--I see it in the whole work and word
of the Gospel. Is there not pleading in heaven? Is not the Man of Sorrows there
in that crucified body wherewith he ascended? And is He not one with the
Infinite Love itself--as our love is one with our sorrow?
"These thoughts have been much borne in on me of late, and I have seen with
new clearness the meaning of those words, 'If any man love me, let him take up
my cross.' I have heard this enlarged on as if it meant the troubles and
persecutions we bring on ourselves by confessing Jesus. But surely that is a
narrow thought. The true cross of the Redeemer was the sin and sorrow of this
world-- that was what lay heavy on his heart--and that is the cross we shall
share with him, that is the cup we must drink of with him, if we would have any
part in that Divine Love which is one with his sorrow.
"In my outward lot, which you ask about, I have all things and abound. I have
had constant work in the mill, though some of the other hands have been turned
off for a time, and my body is greatly strengthened, so that I feel little
weariness after long walking and speaking. What you say about staying in your
own country with your mother and brother shows me that you have a true guidance;
your lot is appointed there by a clear showing, and to seek a greater blessing
elsewhere would be like laying a false offering on the altar and expecting the
fire from heaven to kindle it. My work and my joy are here among the hills, and
I sometimes think I cling too much to my life among the people here, and should
be rebellious if I was called away.
"I was thankful for your tidings about the dear friends at the Hall Farm, for
though I sent them a letter, by my aunt's desire, after I came back from my
sojourn among them, I have had no word from them. My aunt has not the pen of a
ready writer, and the work of the house is sufficient for the day, for she is
weak in body. My heart cleaves to her and her children as the nearest of all to
me in the flesh--yea, and to all in that house. I am carried away to them
continually in my sleep, and often in the midst of work, and even of speech, the
thought of them is borne in on me as if they were in need and trouble, which yet
is dark to me. There may be some leading here; but I wait to be taught. You say
they are all well.
"We shall see each other again in the body, I trust, though, it may be, not
for a long while; for the brethren and sisters at Leeds are desirous to have me
for a short space among them, when I have a door opened me again to leave
Snowfield.
"Farewell, dear brother--and yet not farewell. For those children of God whom
it has been granted to see each other face to face, and to hold communion
together, and to feel the same spirit working in both can never more be sundered
though the hills may lie between. For their souls are enlarged for evermore by
that union, and they bear one another about in their thoughts continually as it
were a new strength.--Your faithful Sister and fellow-worker in Christ,
DINAH MORRIS."
"I have not skill to write the words so small as you do and my pen moves
slow. And so I am straitened, and say but little of what is in my mind. Greet
your mother for me with a kiss. She asked me to kiss her twice when we parted."
Adam had refolded the letter, and was sitting meditatively with his head
resting on his arm at the head of the bed, when Seth came upstairs.
"Hast read the letter?" said Seth.
"Yes," said Adam. "I don't know what I should ha' thought of her and her
letter if I'd never seen her: I daresay I should ha' thought a preaching woman
hateful. But she's one as makes everything seem right she says and does, and I
seemed to see her and hear her speaking when I read the letter. It's wonderful
how I remember her looks and her voice. She'd make thee rare and happy, Seth;
she's just the woman for thee."
"It's no use thinking o' that," said Seth, despondingly. "She spoke so firm,
and she's not the woman to say one thing and mean another."
"Nay, but her feelings may grow different. A woman may get to love by
degrees--the best fire dosna flare up the soonest. I'd have thee go and see her
by and by: I'd make it convenient for thee to be away three or four days, and it
'ud be no walk for thee--only between twenty and thirty mile."
"I should like to see her again, whether or no, if she wouldna be displeased
with me for going," said Seth.
"She'll be none displeased," said Adam emphatically, getting up and throwing
off his coat. "It might be a great happiness to us all if she'd have thee, for
mother took to her so wonderful and
seemed so contented to be with her."
"Aye," said Seth, rather timidly, "and Dinah's fond o' Hetty too; she thinks
a deal about her."
Adam made no reply to that, and no other word but "good-night" passed between
them.
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