Dear Mr Clennam,
I write to you from my own room at Venice, thinking you will be glad to hear
from me. But I know you cannot be so glad to hear from me as I am to write to
you; for everything about you is as you have been accustomed to see it, and you
miss nothing--unless it should be me, which can only be for a very little while
together and very seldom--while everything in my life is so strange, and I miss
so much.
When we were in Switzerland, which appears to have been years ago, though it
was only weeks, I met young Mrs Gowan, who was on a mountain excursion like
ourselves. She told me she was very well and very happy. She sent you the
message, by me, that she thanked you affectionately and would never forget you.
She was quite confiding with me, and I loved her almost as soon as I spoke to
her. But there is nothing singular in that; who could help loving so beautiful
and winning a creature! I could not wonder at any one loving her. No indeed.
It will not make you uneasy on Mrs Gowan's account, I hope--for I remember
that you said you had the interest of a true friend in her--if I tell you that I
wish she could have married some one better suited to her. Mr Gowan seems fond
of her, and of course she is very fond of him, but I thought he was not earnest
enough--I don't mean in that respect--I mean in anything. I could not keep it
out of my mind that if I was Mrs Gowan (what a change that would be, and how I
must alter to become like her!) I should feel that I was rather lonely and lost,
for the want of some one who was steadfast and firm in purpose. I even thought
she felt this want a little, almost without knowing it. But mind you are not
made uneasy by this, for she was 'very well and very happy.' And she looked most
beautiful.
I expect to meet her again before long, and indeed have been expecting for
some days past to see her here. I will ever be as good a friend to her as I can
for your sake. Dear Mr Clennam, I dare say you think little of having been a
friend to me when I had no other (not that I have any other now, for I have made
no new friends), but I think much of it, and I never can forget it.
I wish I knew--but it is best for no one to write to me--how Mr and Mrs
Plornish prosper in the business which my dear father bought for them, and that
old Mr Nandy lives happily with them and his two grandchildren, and sings all
his songs over and over again. I cannot quite keep back the tears from my eyes
when I think of my poor Maggy, and of the blank she must have felt at first,
however kind they all are to her, without her Little Mother. Will you go and
tell her, as a strict secret, with my love, that she never can have regretted
our separation more than I have regretted it? And will you tell them all that I
have thought of them every day, and that my heart is faithful to them
everywhere? O, if you could know how faithful, you would almost pity me for
being so far away and being so grand!
You will be glad, I am sure, to know that my dear father is very well in
health, and that all these changes are highly beneficial to him, and that he is
very different indeed from what he used to be when you used to see him. There is
an improvement in my uncle too, I think, though he never complained of old, and
never exults now. Fanny is very graceful, quick, and clever. It is natural to
her to be a lady; she has adapted herself to our new fortunes with wonderful
ease.
This reminds me that I have not been able to do so, and that I sometimes
almost despair of ever being able to do so. I find that I cannot learn. Mrs
General is always with us, and we speak French and speak Italian, and she takes
pains to form us in many ways. When I say we speak French and Italian, I mean
they do. As for me, I am so slow that I scarcely get on at all. As soon as I
begin to plan, and think, and try, all my planning, thinking, and trying go in
old directions, and I begin to feel careful again about the expenses of the day,
and about my dear father, and about my work, and then I remember with a start
that there are no such cares left, and that in itself is so new and improbable
that it sets me wandering again. I should not have the courage to mention this
to any one but you.
It is the same with all these new countries and wonderful sights. They are
very beautiful, and they astonish me, but I am not collected enough--not
familiar enough with myself, if you can quite understand what I mean--to have
all the pleasure in them that I might have. What I knew before them, blends with
them, too, so curiously. For instance, when we were among the mountains, I often
felt (I hesitate to tell such an idle thing, dear Mr Clennam, even to you) as if
the Marshalsea must be behind that great rock; or as if Mrs Clennam's room where
I have worked so many days, and where I first saw you, must be just beyond that
snow. Do you remember one night when I came with Maggy to your lodging in Covent
Garden? That room I have often and often fancied I have seen before me,
travelling along for miles by the side of our carriage, when I have looked out
of the carriage-window after dark. We were shut out that night, and sat at the
iron gate, and walked about till morning. I often look up at the stars, even
from the balcony of this room, and believe that I am in the street again, shut
out with Maggy. It is the same with people that I left in England.
When I go about here in a gondola, I surprise myself looking into other
gondolas as if I hoped to see them. It would overcome me with joy to see them,
but I don't think it would surprise me much, at first. In my fanciful times, I
fancy that they might be anywhere; and I almost expect to see their dear faces
on the bridges or the quays.
Another difficulty that I have will seem very strange to you. It must seem
very strange to any one but me, and does even to me: I often feel the old sad
pity for--I need not write the word--for him. Changed as he is, and
inexpressibly blest and thankful as I always am to know it, the old sorrowful
feeling of compassion comes upon me sometimes with such strength that I want to
put my arms round his neck, tell him how I love him, and cry a little on his
breast. I should be glad after that, and proud and happy. But I know that I must
not do this; that he would not like it, that Fanny would be angry, that Mrs
General would be amazed; and so I quiet myself. Yet in doing so, I struggle with
the feeling that I have come to be at a distance from him; and that even in the
midst of all the servants and attendants, he is deserted, and in want of me.
Dear Mr Clennam, I have written a great deal about myself, but I must write a
little more still, or what I wanted most of all to say in this weak letter would
be left out of it. In all these foolish thoughts of mine, which I have been so
hardy as to confess to you because I know you will understand me if anybody can,
and will make more allowance for me than anybody else would if you cannot--in
all these thoughts, there is one thought scarcely ever--never--out of my memory,
and that is that I hope you sometimes, in a quiet moment, have a thought for me.
I must tell you that as to this, I have felt, ever since I have been away, an
anxiety which I am very anxious to relieve. I have been afraid that you may
think of me in a new light, or a new character. Don't do that, I could not bear
that--it would make me more unhappy than you can suppose. It would break my
heart to believe that you thought of me in any way that would make me stranger
to you than I was when you were so good to me. What I have to pray and entreat
of you is, that you will never think of me as the daughter of a rich person;
that you will never think of me as dressing any better, or living any better,
than when you first knew me. That you will remember me only as the little shabby
girl you protected with so much tenderness, from whose threadbare dress you have
kept away the rain, and whose wet feet you have dried at your fire. That you
will think of me (when you think of me at all), and of my true affection and
devoted gratitude, always without change, as of your poor child,
LITTLE DORRIT.
P.S.--Particularly remember that you are not to be uneasy about Mrs Gowan.
Her words were, 'Very well and very happy.' And she looked most beautiful.
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