MISS MURRAY now always went twice to church, for she so loved
admiration that she could not bear to lose a single opportunity of obtaining it;
and she was so sure of it wherever she showed herself, that, whether Harry
Meltham and Mr. Green were there or not, there was certain to be somebody
present who would not be insensible to her charms, besides the Rector, whose
official capacity generally obliged him to attend. Usually, also, if the weather
permitted, both she and her sister would walk home; Matilda, because she hated
the confinement of the carriage; she, because she disliked the privacy of it,
and enjoyed the company that generally enlivened the first mile of the journey
in walking from the church to Mr. Green's park-gates: near which commenced the
private road to Horton Lodge, which lay in the opposite direction, while the
highway conducted in a straightforward course to the still more distant mansion
of Sir Hugh Meltham. Thus there was always a chance of being accompanied, so
far, either by Harry Meltham, with or without Miss Meltham, or Mr. Green, with
perhaps one or both of his sisters, and any gentlemen visitors they might have.
Whether I walked with the young ladies or rode with their parents, depended
upon their own capricious will: if they chose to 'take' me, I went; if, for
reasons best known to themselves, they chose to go alone, I took my seat in the
carriage. I liked walking better, but a sense of reluctance to obtrude my
presence on anyone who did not desire it, always kept me passive on these and
similar occasions; and I never inquired into the causes of their varying whims.
Indeed, this was the best policy - for to submit and oblige was the governess's
part, to consult their own pleasure was that of the pupils. But when I did walk,
the first half of journey was generally a great nuisance to me. As none of the
before-mentioned ladies and gentlemen ever noticed me, it was disagreeable to
walk beside them, as if listening to what they said, or wishing to be thought
one of them, while they talked over me, or across; and if their eyes, in
speaking, chanced to fall on me, it seemed as if they looked on vacancy - as if
they either did not see me, or were very desirous to make it appear so. It was
disagreeable, too, to walk behind, and thus appear to acknowledge my own
inferiority; for, in truth, I considered myself pretty nearly as good as the
best of them, and wished them to know that I did so, and not to imagine that I
looked upon myself as a mere domestic, who knew her own place too well to walk
beside such fine ladies and gentlemen as they were - though her young ladies
might choose to have her with them, and even condescend to converse with her
when no better company were at hand. Thus - I am almost ashamed to confess it -
but indeed I gave myself no little trouble in my endeavours (if I did keep up
with them) to appear perfectly unconscious or regardless of their presence, as
if I were wholly absorbed in my own reflections, or the contemplation of
surrounding objects; or, if I lingered behind, it was some bird or insect, some
tree or flower, that attracted my attention, and having duly examined that, I
would pursue my walk alone, at a leisurely pace, until my pupils had bidden
adieu to their companions and turned off into the quiet private road.
One such occasion I particularly well remember; it was a lovely afternoon
about the close of March; Mr. Green and his sisters had sent their carriage back
empty, in order to enjoy the bright sunshine and balmy air in a sociable walk
home along with their visitors, Captain Somebody and Lieutenant Somebody-else (a
couple of military fops), and the Misses Murray, who, of course, contrived to
join them. Such a party was highly agreeable to Rosalie; but not finding it
equally suitable to my taste, I presently fell back, and began to botanise and
entomologise along the green banks and budding hedges, till the company was
considerably in advance of me, and I could hear the sweet song of the happy
lark; then my spirit of misanthropy began to melt away beneath the soft, pure
air and genial sunshine; but sad thoughts of early childhood, and yearnings for
departed joys, or for a brighter future lot, arose instead. As my eyes wandered
over the steep banks covered with young grass and green-leaved plants, and
surmounted by budding hedges, I longed intensely for some familiar flower that
might recall the woody dales or green hill-sides of home: the brown moorlands,
of course, were out of the question. Such a discovery would make my eyes gush
out with water, no doubt; but that was one of my greatest enjoyments now. At
length I descried, high up between the twisted roots of an oak, three lovely
primroses, peeping so sweetly from their hiding-place that the tears already
started at the sight; but they grew so high above me, that I tried in vain to
gather one or two, to dream over and to carry with me: I could not reach them
unless I climbed the bank, which I was deterred from doing by hearing a footstep
at that moment behind me, and was, therefore, about to turn away, when I was
startled by the words, 'Allow me to gather them for you, Miss Grey,' spoken in
the grave, low tones of a well-known voice. Immediately the flowers were
gathered, and in my hand. It was Mr. Weston, of course - who else would trouble
himself to do so much for ME?
'I thanked him; whether warmly or coldly, I cannot tell: but certain I am
that I did not express half the gratitude I felt. It was foolish, perhaps, to
feel any gratitude at all; but it seemed to me, at that moment, as if this were
a remarkable instance of his good-nature: an act of kindness, which I could not
repay, but never should forget: so utterly unaccustomed was I to receive such
civilities, so little prepared to expect them from anyone within fifty miles of
Horton Lodge. Yet this did not prevent me from feeling a little uncomfortable in
his presence; and I proceeded to follow my pupils at a much quicker pace than
before; though, perhaps, if Mr. Weston had taken the hint, and let me pass
without another word, I might have repeated it an hour after: but he did not. A
somewhat rapid walk for me was but an ordinary pace for him.
'Your young ladies have left you alone,' said he.
'Yes, they are occupied with more agreeable company.'
'Then don't trouble yourself to overtake them.' I slackened my pace; but next
moment regretted having done so: my companion did not speak; and I had nothing
in the world to say, and feared he might be in the same predicament. At length,
however, he broke the pause by asking, with a certain quiet abruptness peculiar
to himself, if I liked flowers.
'Yes; very much,' I answered, 'wild-flowers especially.'
'I like wild-flowers,' said he; 'others I don't care about, because I have no
particular associations connected with them - except one or two. What are your
favourite flowers?'
'Primroses, blue-bells, and heath-blossoms.'
'Not violets?'
'No; because, as you say, I have no particular associations connected with
them; for there are no sweet violets among the hills and valleys round my home.'
'It must be a great consolation to you to have a home, Miss Grey,' observed
my companion after a short pause: 'however remote, or however seldom visited,
still it is something to look to.'
'It is so much that I think I could not live without it,' replied I, with an
enthusiasm of which I immediately repented; for I thought it must have sounded
essentially silly.
'Oh, yes, you could,' said he, with a thoughtful smile. 'The ties that bind
us to life are tougher than you imagine, or than anyone can who has not felt how
roughly they may be pulled without breaking. You might be miserable without a
home, but even YOU could live; and not so miserably as you suppose. The human
heart is like india-rubber; a little swells it, but a great deal will not burst
it. If "little more than nothing will disturb it, little less than all things
will suffice" to break it. As in the outer members of our frame, there is a
vital power inherent in itself that strengthens it against external violence.
Every blow that shakes it will serve to harden it against a future stroke; as
constant labour thickens the skin of the hand, and strengthens its muscles
instead of wasting them away: so that a day of arduous toil, that might
excoriate a lady's palm, would make no sensible impression on that of a hardy
ploughman.
'I speak from experience - partly my own. There was a time when I thought as
you do - at least, I was fully persuaded that home and its affections were the
only things that made life tolerable: that, if deprived of these, existence
would become a burden hard to be endured; but now I have no home - unless you
would dignify my two hired rooms at Horton by such a name; - and not twelve
months ago I lost the last and dearest of my early friends; and yet, not only I
live, but I am not wholly destitute of hope and comfort, even for this life:
though I must acknowledge that I can seldom enter even an humble cottage at the
close of day, and see its inhabitants peaceably gathered around their cheerful
hearth, without a feeling ALMOST of envy at their domestic enjoyment.'
'You don't know what happiness lies before you yet,' said I: 'you are now
only in the commencement of your journey.'
'The best of happiness,' replied he, 'is mine already - the power and the
will to be useful.'
We now approached a stile communicating with a footpath that conducted to a
farm-house, where, I suppose, Mr. Weston purposed to make himself 'useful;' for
he presently took leave of me, crossed the stile, and traversed the path with
his usual firm, elastic tread, leaving me to ponder his words as I continued my
course alone. I had heard before that he had lost his mother not many months
before he came. She then was the last and dearest of his early friends; and he
had NO HOME. I pitied him from my heart: I almost wept for sympathy. And this, I
thought, accounted for the shade of premature thoughtfulness that so frequently
clouded his brow, and obtained for him the reputation of a morose and sullen
disposition with the charitable Miss Murray and all her kin. 'But,' thought I,
'he is not so miserable as I should be under such a deprivation: he leads an
active life; and a wide field for useful exertion lies before him. He can MAKE
friends; and he can make a home too, if he pleases; and, doubtless, he will
please some time. God grant the partner of that home may be worthy of his
choice, and make it a happy one - such a home as he deserves to have! And how
delightful it would be to - ' But no matter what I thought.
I began this book with the intention of concealing nothing; that those who
liked might have the benefit of perusing a fellow- creature's heart: but we have
some thoughts that all the angels in heaven are welcome to behold, but not our
brother-men - not even the best and kindest amongst them.
By this time the Greens had taken themselves to their own abode, and the
Murrays had turned down the private road, whither I hastened to follow them. I
found the two girls warm in an animated discussion on the respective merits of
the two young officers; but on seeing me Rosalie broke off in the middle of a
sentence to exclaim, with malicious glee -
'Oh-ho, Miss Grey! you're come at last, are you? No WONDER you lingered so
long behind; and no WONDER you always stand up so vigorously for Mr. Weston when
I abuse him. Ah-ha! I see it all now!'
'Now, come, Miss Murray, don't be foolish,' said I, attempting a good-natured
laugh; 'you know such nonsense can make no impression on me.'
But she still went on talking such intolerable stuff - her sister helping her
with appropriate fiction coined for the occasion - that I thought it necessary
to say something in my own justification.
'What folly all this is!' I exclaimed. 'If Mr. Weston's road happened to be
the same as mine for a few yards, and if he chose to exchange a word or two in
passing, what is there so remarkable in that? I assure you, I never spoke to him
before: except once.'
'Where? where? and when?' cried they eagerly.
'In Nancy's cottage.'
'Ah-ha! you've met him there, have you?' exclaimed Rosalie, with exultant
laughter. 'Ah! now, Matilda, I've found out why she's so fond of going to Nancy
Brown's! She goes there to flirt with Mr. Weston.'
'Really, that is not worth contradicting - I only saw him there once, I tell
you - and how could I know he was coming?'
Irritated as I was at their foolish mirth and vexatious imputations, the
uneasiness did not continue long: when they had had their laugh out, they
returned again to the captain and lieutenant; and, while they disputed and
commented upon them, my indignation rapidly cooled; the cause of it was quickly
forgotten, and I turned my thoughts into a pleasanter channel. Thus we proceeded
up the park, and entered the hall; and as I ascended the stairs to my own
chamber, I had but one thought within me: my heart was filled to overflowing
with one single earnest wish. Having entered the room, and shut the door, I fell
upon my knees and offered up a fervent but not impetuous prayer: 'Thy will be
done,' I strove to say throughout; but, 'Father, all things are possible with
Thee, and may it be Thy will,' was sure to follow. That wish - that prayer -
both men and women would have scorned me for - 'But, Father, THOU wilt NOT
despise!' I said, and felt that it was true. It seemed to me that another's
welfare was at least as ardently implored for as my own; nay, even THAT was the
principal object of my heart's desire. I might have been deceiving myself; but
that idea gave me confidence to ask, and power to hope I did not ask in vain. As
for the primroses, I kept two of them in a glass in my room until they were
completely withered, and the housemaid threw them out; and the petals of the
other I pressed between the leaves of my Bible - I have them still, and mean to
keep them always.
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