Childhood
列夫·托爾斯泰/LeoTolstoy
Happy,happy,never-returningtimeofchildhood!Howcanwehelplovinganddwellinguponitsrecollections?Theycheerandelevatethesoul,andbecometoonesourceofhigherjoys.
Sometimes,whendreamingofbygonedays,fancythat,tiredoutwithrunningabout,Ihavesatdowninmyhigharm-chairbythetea-table.Itislate,andIhavelongsincedrunkmycupofmilk.MyeyesareheavywithsleepasIsitthereandlisten.HowcouldInotlisten,seeingthatMammaisspeakingtosomebody,andthatthesoundofhervoiceissomelodiousandkind?Howmuchitsechoesrecalltomyheart!WithmyeyesveiledwithdrowsinessIgazeatherwistfully.Suddenlysheseemstogrowsmallerandsmaller,andherfacevanishestoapoint;yetIcanstillseeit—canstillseeherasshelooksatmeandsmiles.Somehowitpleasesmetoseehergrownsosmall.Iblinkandblink,yetshelooksnolargerthanaboyref?lectedinthepupilofaneye.ThenIrousemyself,andthepicturefades.OncemoreIhalf-closemyeyes,andcastabouttotryandrecallthedream,butithasgone,Irisetomyfeet,onlytofallbackcomfortablyintothearmchair.
「There!Youarefallingasleepagain,littleNicolas,」saysMamma.「Youhadbettergotoby-by.」
「No,Iwon』tgotosleep,Mamma,」Ireply,thoughalmostinaudibly,forpleasantdreamsaref?illingallmysoul.Thesoundsleepofchildhoodisweighingmyeyelidsdown,andforafewmoments.Isinkintoslumberandoblivionuntilawakenedbysomeone.Ifeelinmysleepasthoughasofthandwerecaressingme.Iknowitbythetouch,and,thoughstilldreaming,Iseizeholdofitandpressittomylips.Everyoneelsehasgonetobed,andonlyonecandleremainsburninginthedrawing-room.Mammahassaidthatsheherselfwillwakeme.ShesitsdownonthearmofthechairinwhichIamasleep,withhersofthandstrokingmyhair,andIhearherbeloved,well-knownvoicesayinmyear:「Getup,mydarling.Itistimetogoby-by.」
Noenviousgazeseeshernow.Sheisnotafraidtosheduponmethewholeofhertendernessandlove.Idonotwakeup,yetIkissandkissherhand.
「Getup,then,myangel.」
Shepassesherotherarmroundmyneck,andherf?ingersticklemeastheymoveacrossit.Theroomisquietandinhalf-darkness,buttheticklinghastouchedmynervesandIbegintoawake.Mammaissittingnearme—thatIcantell—andtouchingme;Icanhearhervoiceandfeelherpresence.Thisatlastrousesmetospringup,tothrowmyarmsaroundherneck,tohidemyheadinherbosom,andtosaywithasigh:
「Ah,dear,darlingMamma,howmuchIloveyou!」
Shesmileshersad,enchantingsmile,takesmyheadbetweenhertwohands,kissesmeontheforehead,andliftsmeontoherlap.
「Doyoulovemesomuch,then?」shesays.Then,afterafewmoments』silence,shecontinues:「Andyoumustlovemealways,andneverforgetme.IfyourMammashouldnolongerbehere,willyoupromisenevertoforgether—never,Nicolinka?」andshekissesmemorefondlythanever.
「Oh,butyoumustnotspeakso,darlingMamma,myowndarlingMamma!」IexclaimasIclaspherknees,andtearsofjoyandlovefallfrommyeyes.
How,aftersceneslikethis!Iwouldgoupstairs,andstandbeforetheicons,andsaywitharapturousfeeling,「GodblessPapaandMamma!」andrepeataprayerformybelovedmotherwhichmychildishlipshadlearnttolisp—theloveofGodandotherblendingstrangelyinasingleemotion!